The Sunshine After The Rain

Peace, dear journal. Today is astrologically significant for me – Saturn is moving into my first house.

Sunshine After The Rain

In light of this, I have come to a few realizations. The first is that I am a Writer, thats my proffession, my career.

The second is that the negative thinking that I thought protected me (If I think of the “worst, it won’t happen!), has really done nothing but hurt my life. I am good, I am blessed and working towards perfection. I get better every day and I can rise to any challenge. I am a winner. Can’t corrupt that vibe with loser thoughts.

Third, I need to meet like minded souls and people with the power to help me do more and be more.

I have been smoking weed for 14/15 years now. It hasn’t done anything but made me fat and lazy. No more smoking. Period.

My Reading today was super cool:

Card of the Day:

Nine of Cups

Smugness. No need to do another thing to obtain the fulfillment you desire, it’s here. Satisfaction. Comfort. Focus on a real and meaningful pusuit whether in the arts or love. Everything lined up and in its place. Time of fruition. Possible birth of child or project. Something that was missing has been found and put in order.

Recent Past

Strength Tarot Card

Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one’s disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one’s gifts as well as one’s weaknesses.

When Strength is in the past position of your reading, you can see the basis of your current situation stemming from a mastery of your circumstances. You maintained composure recently and are benefiting from your patience and expertise. Sometimes this card represents a state of boredom in your past that led you to stray from familiar conditions that you felt you had outgrown. Your ordinary world had been mastered and the journey you are now on is based on a desire to challenge yourself and see all that life may have to offer.

Strength really applies more to inner strength than actual physical strength. These inner qualities include love, patience and gentleness. But more importantly, this card refers to these qualities in the context that they are more important than material power, force or hate. So many people think of a show of a strength as who has the biggest army, the most weapons or in the case of one human to another, the strongest hands. Sometimes it takes more strength to offer a hand of friendship than that of war. In other words, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another meaning for this card is a possible reconciliation. If the subject is on the outs with a friend or even a lover, this card could represent that fences are about to be mended. Of course this will only be possible if you can conquer your negative emotions.

In still yet another meaning, this card shows that possible obstacles that you are facing are imagined rather than real and it is important to confront these obstacles and determine if they are indeed of substance or just something that you’ve conjured up in your own mind.

The Lion in this card is symbol of strength and courage. Often there is a woman shown on this tarot card and she represents the feminine side in everyone. This is suggestion of the more gentle and sensitive side taming the “inner beast” The woman is not killing the lion but is quietly mastering it. Strength as a Tarot card is symbol of discipline and inner determination.

Interpreting Strength in a Tarot Spread

Strength throws a protective influence over the person’s world. It provides them with the stamina and endurance needed to face up to life’s trials and tribulations. No matter what they are going through, they will be able to cope. Fate won’t throw anything their way that can’t be handled. They can overcome obstacles with courage and determination. When this card appears in someone’s spread, suggest that they might take a look around them. They will then start to notice people are there, willing to help and support them. All they have to do is ask. This card also draws attention to matters of communication such as telephone calls, letters and gossip. These could open new doors for them. It is possible that someone who was born between July 21 and August 21 will be an important part of their life at the moment.


The Chariot
Concentration on objectives is needed. Path is clear, do not get sidetracked by outside forces. Triumph. Vengeance. Overcoming of obstacles. Clearing of path to victory and one’s desires. Force of will. Strength in focus. No time for outside influences. Headstrong. Rush of energy in one’s favor now. Travel is possible. Swift nature in reaching one’s goals. Positive and quick result on the way. No time for delay in completing course of action. Strong will.

The Chariot

Are you in control? Did you just win big? Have you finally reached a new level of accomplishment? Are you being handed control of a big project? The Chariot is the Tarot card most associated with victory and control. When you see this card in a Tarot reading in times of struggle, understand that when Caesar conquered an opposing army, his victory parade made the years of struggle worth it. If you are not yet victorious, learn to appreciate your struggle, as the celebration you can have will be even more enjoyable with your challenges still fresh in your mind. If you recently accomplished a great task, be sure to revel in your enjoyment of the moment; there are no guarantees of future enjoyment, so soak up the feeling of pure triumph.
If The Chariot is in your reading’s present position, you are experiencing a great triumph at the moment. This might be something for which you have wanted for months or years. It might be something that was just handed to you and now you are feeling insecure about being in control. There are often mixed feelings that come with getting what you wanted, as an unease about the change inherent in this transformation makes one lose touch with seeing the possibilities.


Tears or The Baseline of Niceness

I cry all the time. I could be anywhere, anything could be going on, and I will burst into tears.

I cry all the time.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I know that I am sad. I know my whole chest, my head, behind my eyes, everything hurts but I don’t know why specifically I am crying.

I realized a long time ago that nothing is going to change about this. I went through all the stages of grief for Hope That Shit’d Change. No stages left and no progress either.

I know I cry sometimes for the future. I cry sometimes because I have to start all over again, from scratch. With nothing. But baggage.

I cry mostly because I feel so lonely. I wonder why God made me this way. I wonder why I have so many flaws, so many things wrong with me, so much I wish I could change. So much shit that I still don’t understand. So much shit I don’t even know. I cry because I know everybody is here for a purpose, to do or be something or someone only they could be. I cry when I think that my only purpose was to have the kids.

I cry because I always feel like I am missing a critical part, koolaid no sugar, hammer no nails, walkman no headphones, something…

I cry because its like the fullest life life I live will always be in my head.  That shit will always be like this and I will never really do or be anything, I’ll always be a failure.

I cry because noone loves me and I always have to understand why no one can be to me what I need them to be. I have to understand that my father is “in Canada”…my mother didn’t want to be lonely…they’re not used to me…its just something about the whole shit…we have problems…he’s confused…what did I expect. People have shit on me so bad in this life and its always the people I need. Why? I know…Moon conjunct Chiron in the seventh house, in Aries. But why God?

I have daughters and I tell them everyday through gritted teeth if I have to, how much I love them. Even when I don’t feel it, I know it, I know they need to know it so I say it. Why did I have to be born to a bitch that could never tell me once that she loved me? And why did I not love her?  Why didn’t I love my mother? My siblings? My family?

Why do I dislike so many people? Why do things that don’t bother anybody else bother the living shit out of me till I have to get away from them?

How come nobody likes me either? I have no friends, no loves, noone who gives a fuck if I live or die. Except for the kids and I can’t put that kind of weight on them.

I can’t put it on my father. I want to go see him but I don’t know. I don’t know where he is, how I would get there and I don’t want to go alone.

I can’t put it on my kids father because he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Two weeks ago he told me we were establishing a baseline of niceness with each other. I feel his baseline as a giant mindfuck. I feel it as one big fucken game that has no winners because nobody is playing for keeps, this is all for shits and giggles. I was the only asshole who took it seriously enough to have kids with him.

I cry because I feel like this miserable bitch with the weight of the world on my shoulders, like I’m dying. I pray to a God that I don’t believe in, I talk to a Universe that doesn’t ever respond.