The Slow Start of a Long Race

I like that title. Not for any reason other than its prosey-ness. Today I woke up and all I could think of was that block and how I can’t stomach the idea of leaving things the way they are. I know on the one hand that it was a set up and any reaction would have only caused problems for me but on the other when I think of those people, snarling and gloating, I want blood.

I haven’t gotten over it and I won’t. Not until its been set right.

I have been through a lot more turmoil since the last post, not much progress. I still haven’t found a job or a place bt I have taken more steps towards the Big  Picture things. I have accepted that things with my kids father are OVER and it still hurts bt I’m not going to give it any power. I push thoughts of him to the side now.

I have stopped smoking and drinking. Period. As in, I vowed after the last time I drank that I would never smoke or drink again and I won’t. I drank some tequila and went somewhere very important to me and made a total asshole out of myself. When I think about that, the shame is just too much. I feel like I will never recover from that.

I have a few projects I am working on but the theme of this year is Transformation. I fasted with very little failure in February. It was great and I am going to do that every year. I started eating healthy bt I do relapse occasionally. I have a little over six months to get it together.

Emotionally, its still hard. I am super lonely. None of the men on my three man wishlist have showed up. I supplement real love with my fan club. I have fans now, dear journal. Three of ’em in fact. Two are out of the freaking question just on GP. The third is out of the freaking question because I am older and wiser and I don’t want to give “polygamy” a shot. He’s upfront about it which is supposed to be a good thing bt for me is just like “Whew! Thanks for the warning! See ya, twouldn’t want to be them!” Speaking of which…I’m going to start doing that to weed ’em out. I am going to start pretending I’m okay with the idea just to hear where they really stand and as soon  I hear something I don’t like, I’m making tracks postehaste, lol.

I’m never going to find a man, smh…

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Change Gon’ Come

I feel like my plane is in holding pattern, circling and circling, waiting to land.

This was a hard year, a fucked up year. After not sleeping out of my own bed more than 5 times in 20 years, I have lived in five places this year. Right now I am living in a shelter apt on Flatbush avenue, a fucked up little spot with two rooms and bare walls, a jail cell it looks like…

I am going to try the drugs for my mind and my body. I fasted for 10 days one time and at the end of the fast my stomach was still big and hard. Thats not natural. I can’t shake my depression… no matter how much I tell myself to getittogether.

Sad as Fuck

I feel so depressed, tired and discouraged. My energy is so low it has to be hormonal. I am not expecting my period till next week so its not that per se but damn, its something just like it.

A while ago, this astrologer told me that my chart was all fucked up. he said I have Saturn and Mars at -5, everything else bad, Jupiter at a measly +1 and Mercury, the strongest at a weak ass +3. That shit has me fucked up.

Day Three : Am I Enlightened Yet?

Today is the third day of my fast. I am not hungry. I still feel troubled. Sad. I hate having to step foot on that block. I feel traumatized. I was talking to this boy today and this nigga has one hell of a story to tell. Like he thinks he’s hustling by telling people the shit he be telling them but if he were white, they would have had this nigga in a bubble to help him heal from the trauma and learn to feel safe again. I could see it so clearly relating to him but that shit is true for me too. When I told him about that shit with the block he was like Fuck ALL these people, I’m ready to fucken hurt somebody…

Shit, my nigga…me too!!!

Right now I need to feel safe again, good again and happy again. Get my mind back right and get back to where I need to be. Get back to Mecca…

I’m at the Tea Lounge right now. When I get home, I’m doing my hair and cooking and cleaning. Tomorrow I have mad errands to run with my YEs.  Afterwards I am going to take them somewhere, maybe the beach.  I need a Me in my life. I need someone who can talk to me like how I talk to people, to talk to me and to tell me everything is going to be okay. Right now, the boy I was talking about Jondell, He is fighting a real fight physically against the drugs. I am fighting a real fight against depression and melancholy. I am fighting to free my brain from the fog, from the muck and mire so it can serve me. I am fighting to keep my spirit pure. I am fighting to keep myself well, happy and free from all encumbrances. I am also fighting to be a good mother and a good woman. I am fighting to be Me.

Today I am starting the Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung meditation…

Current Situation: Temperance

Calm and balance. Need to have patience for events surrounding you as they play out. Moderation. Accommodation. Reflection on your life. Maturity. Draw emotions in and stop overreacting to outside forces. Contemplation and reflection on events, relationships and work. Be the calming force in chaos. Possible to overcome addiction to substance, people or relationships. Obsession passing. Order being restored. Bring calm to mind and behavior patterns. A time of peace is beginning. Let it wash over you.
Recent Past: The Hermit
Time for convalescence. Need to be alone with one’s own thoughts. Need to cultivate oneself before interacting with others. Focus on inner wisdom. Loneliness. Emotional separation from others or oneself. Time to draw one’s world in and simply exist for a while. Separation from partner for one’s own mental health. Quiet is needed. Wisdom of older male coming into focus. Seek counsel of wise ones around you. Seeker of truth. Caution. Detachment. Prudence.
Future Influences: Six of Cups
Focus on kindness to others. Time to volunteer in your community or give your attention to a project that needs your unique talents. Someone close to you needs your help and assistance. Harmony. Stability. Time to appreciate what you bring to other’s lives. Enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Possible philanthropy. Surround yourself with beauty. Contentment. Engaging in play with others.
My Daily Tarot Card

Six of Swords

Time to travel, perhaps near or to water. Move to a new area. A change of pace and scenery. A slowing down. This part of your journey needs reverence and thought. Pick up the pieces and move on. Regained health, but it’s been a slow process. Take slow methodical steps. Keep your chin up, this is a time of recovery. Sadness, but not depression. Coping. Hope is renewed.

Day Two

I’m hanging in there. I have been tempted to eat today but I’m not hungry. Today, I had two things go great. I registered for school tomorrow, which stabilizes that situation. I sent my resume to TekSys so hopefully they will get me a great jobby job soon. And…Con Ed gave me till 7/29 to pay them which means the power will not be off until we move. YAY!!!!

Jumping For Joy

On Thursday, I will have the money to go get the table and chairs to do my readings. Friday will be my first day. I am so excited. Bless me Universe. Let me make $1000 this weekend…..

Let me make marvelous connections.

Let me be a great help to someone who needs it.

Bt most of all, let me make great, great great money.

Three Day Fast For Understanding

I am fasting for three days. I feel like shit.

little kid crying

Too much upheaval in my life, too much confusion. My body is drained, sabotaging me when I need to be most energetic. Theo said I am wasting good transits thru poor decisions. The decisions are the pickings of the constant flood of information. I am drowning in my own head.

This house is like a prison. I am scared of going outside and going out of control again, because I haven’t resolved any of the situations and I really don’t see how to.

We are moving in a couple of days. I can’t wait.

Hello world!

First Post…What should I write about?

How about how this blog came about? I was talking to my brother and he told me he was worried about the shit thats been going on with me.

I started this blog to talk about it and now cat’s got my tongue.

At any rate, my brother told me to get back to my basics, find myself and get back to where I was when shit was good. He told me to Find My Way Back to Mecca.

What is Epinoia, btw?

Epinoia (Greek) Thinking on a thing; by extension of meaning, the power of thought, inventiveness; a purpose, design. In Gnosticism, a name of the first passive aeon or spiritual entity forming part of a cosmic hierarchy. See also ENNOIA