The Sunshine After The Rain

Peace, dear journal. Today is astrologically significant for me – Saturn is moving into my first house.

Sunshine After The Rain

In light of this, I have come to a few realizations. The first is that I am a Writer, thats my proffession, my career.

The second is that the negative thinking that I thought protected me (If I think of the “worst, it won’t happen!), has really done nothing but hurt my life. I am good, I am blessed and working towards perfection. I get better every day and I can rise to any challenge. I am a winner. Can’t corrupt that vibe with loser thoughts.

Third, I need to meet like minded souls and people with the power to help me do more and be more.

I have been smoking weed for 14/15 years now. It hasn’t done anything but made me fat and lazy. No more smoking. Period.

My Reading today was super cool:

Card of the Day:

Nine of Cups

Smugness. No need to do another thing to obtain the fulfillment you desire, it’s here. Satisfaction. Comfort. Focus on a real and meaningful pusuit whether in the arts or love. Everything lined up and in its place. Time of fruition. Possible birth of child or project. Something that was missing has been found and put in order.

Recent Past

Strength Tarot Card

Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one’s disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one’s gifts as well as one’s weaknesses.

When Strength is in the past position of your reading, you can see the basis of your current situation stemming from a mastery of your circumstances. You maintained composure recently and are benefiting from your patience and expertise. Sometimes this card represents a state of boredom in your past that led you to stray from familiar conditions that you felt you had outgrown. Your ordinary world had been mastered and the journey you are now on is based on a desire to challenge yourself and see all that life may have to offer.

Strength really applies more to inner strength than actual physical strength. These inner qualities include love, patience and gentleness. But more importantly, this card refers to these qualities in the context that they are more important than material power, force or hate. So many people think of a show of a strength as who has the biggest army, the most weapons or in the case of one human to another, the strongest hands. Sometimes it takes more strength to offer a hand of friendship than that of war. In other words, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another meaning for this card is a possible reconciliation. If the subject is on the outs with a friend or even a lover, this card could represent that fences are about to be mended. Of course this will only be possible if you can conquer your negative emotions.

In still yet another meaning, this card shows that possible obstacles that you are facing are imagined rather than real and it is important to confront these obstacles and determine if they are indeed of substance or just something that you’ve conjured up in your own mind.

The Lion in this card is symbol of strength and courage. Often there is a woman shown on this tarot card and she represents the feminine side in everyone. This is suggestion of the more gentle and sensitive side taming the “inner beast” The woman is not killing the lion but is quietly mastering it. Strength as a Tarot card is symbol of discipline and inner determination.

Interpreting Strength in a Tarot Spread

Strength throws a protective influence over the person’s world. It provides them with the stamina and endurance needed to face up to life’s trials and tribulations. No matter what they are going through, they will be able to cope. Fate won’t throw anything their way that can’t be handled. They can overcome obstacles with courage and determination. When this card appears in someone’s spread, suggest that they might take a look around them. They will then start to notice people are there, willing to help and support them. All they have to do is ask. This card also draws attention to matters of communication such as telephone calls, letters and gossip. These could open new doors for them. It is possible that someone who was born between July 21 and August 21 will be an important part of their life at the moment.


The Chariot
Concentration on objectives is needed. Path is clear, do not get sidetracked by outside forces. Triumph. Vengeance. Overcoming of obstacles. Clearing of path to victory and one’s desires. Force of will. Strength in focus. No time for outside influences. Headstrong. Rush of energy in one’s favor now. Travel is possible. Swift nature in reaching one’s goals. Positive and quick result on the way. No time for delay in completing course of action. Strong will.

The Chariot

Are you in control? Did you just win big? Have you finally reached a new level of accomplishment? Are you being handed control of a big project? The Chariot is the Tarot card most associated with victory and control. When you see this card in a Tarot reading in times of struggle, understand that when Caesar conquered an opposing army, his victory parade made the years of struggle worth it. If you are not yet victorious, learn to appreciate your struggle, as the celebration you can have will be even more enjoyable with your challenges still fresh in your mind. If you recently accomplished a great task, be sure to revel in your enjoyment of the moment; there are no guarantees of future enjoyment, so soak up the feeling of pure triumph.
If The Chariot is in your reading’s present position, you are experiencing a great triumph at the moment. This might be something for which you have wanted for months or years. It might be something that was just handed to you and now you are feeling insecure about being in control. There are often mixed feelings that come with getting what you wanted, as an unease about the change inherent in this transformation makes one lose touch with seeing the possibilities.


Day Three : Am I Enlightened Yet?

Today is the third day of my fast. I am not hungry. I still feel troubled. Sad. I hate having to step foot on that block. I feel traumatized. I was talking to this boy today and this nigga has one hell of a story to tell. Like he thinks he’s hustling by telling people the shit he be telling them but if he were white, they would have had this nigga in a bubble to help him heal from the trauma and learn to feel safe again. I could see it so clearly relating to him but that shit is true for me too. When I told him about that shit with the block he was like Fuck ALL these people, I’m ready to fucken hurt somebody…

Shit, my nigga…me too!!!

Right now I need to feel safe again, good again and happy again. Get my mind back right and get back to where I need to be. Get back to Mecca…

I’m at the Tea Lounge right now. When I get home, I’m doing my hair and cooking and cleaning. Tomorrow I have mad errands to run with my YEs.  Afterwards I am going to take them somewhere, maybe the beach.  I need a Me in my life. I need someone who can talk to me like how I talk to people, to talk to me and to tell me everything is going to be okay. Right now, the boy I was talking about Jondell, He is fighting a real fight physically against the drugs. I am fighting a real fight against depression and melancholy. I am fighting to free my brain from the fog, from the muck and mire so it can serve me. I am fighting to keep my spirit pure. I am fighting to keep myself well, happy and free from all encumbrances. I am also fighting to be a good mother and a good woman. I am fighting to be Me.

Today I am starting the Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung meditation…

Current Situation: Temperance

Calm and balance. Need to have patience for events surrounding you as they play out. Moderation. Accommodation. Reflection on your life. Maturity. Draw emotions in and stop overreacting to outside forces. Contemplation and reflection on events, relationships and work. Be the calming force in chaos. Possible to overcome addiction to substance, people or relationships. Obsession passing. Order being restored. Bring calm to mind and behavior patterns. A time of peace is beginning. Let it wash over you.
Recent Past: The Hermit
Time for convalescence. Need to be alone with one’s own thoughts. Need to cultivate oneself before interacting with others. Focus on inner wisdom. Loneliness. Emotional separation from others or oneself. Time to draw one’s world in and simply exist for a while. Separation from partner for one’s own mental health. Quiet is needed. Wisdom of older male coming into focus. Seek counsel of wise ones around you. Seeker of truth. Caution. Detachment. Prudence.
Future Influences: Six of Cups
Focus on kindness to others. Time to volunteer in your community or give your attention to a project that needs your unique talents. Someone close to you needs your help and assistance. Harmony. Stability. Time to appreciate what you bring to other’s lives. Enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Possible philanthropy. Surround yourself with beauty. Contentment. Engaging in play with others.
My Daily Tarot Card

Six of Swords

Time to travel, perhaps near or to water. Move to a new area. A change of pace and scenery. A slowing down. This part of your journey needs reverence and thought. Pick up the pieces and move on. Regained health, but it’s been a slow process. Take slow methodical steps. Keep your chin up, this is a time of recovery. Sadness, but not depression. Coping. Hope is renewed.

The Drinks and the Drugs

I want to blaze something so bad right now that I’m about to do some crazy shit. I was planning to take my time to post about this but I have reached the point where it needs discussing now.

After I broke up with my kids father, I went through some heavy shit emotionally and I broke a couple of times. By breaking I mean, I buckled and  I had to drink to cope with my life. I was getting tore up everyday. I took antidepressants. I tried cocaine. I was smoking cigarettes.  I cried and cried and cried.

What made me stop was not how unhealthy that shit is but the fact that getting fucked up everyday is hard on a bitch facially and I want to keep my smooth skin and innocent good looks. I have enough mileage because I have so many kids and the last thing I want is to see my face start looking like its sliding off.

I stopped drinking like all that but I am still an alcoholic. When I know I am going to drink, I feel so good and its like the highlight of my day, finally something to look forward to…

I drink out of boredom and I smoke to fall out. I don’t even enjoy weed like that. If I had access to drugs like MDMA and acid, I probably wouldn’t even smoke weed but since thats really all I know how to get, I fuck with that.

I don’t like wanting to smoke or drink. I hate how I feel right now because I don’t have any erb or money so I’m going to end up going to buy a loosie from the corner store.

I came home from my little spot today earlier than I wanted to because the band they let play was making an infernal racket with the volume turnt up to DEFEAT. I was in a shitty mood  and acted like a bitch to the kids and have been holed up in my room since I got home.

Tell Lies, Keep Secrets, Play Games or… How To Be a Player

I was talking to my Alter Ego just now about what me and Vicky and Nazima got into this morning. My Alter Ego is my alter ego because I’m a Capricorn with Moon in Aries and She’s an Aries with Moon in Capricorn. We both have Mars in Taurus and she doesnt know her birth time but we look alike enough that I’m willing to bet she’s Libra Asc like me. I can’t think of a suitable psedonym for her and she needs one because her name is unique and instantly recognizable.  And thats’ a problem.

Anyway AE and I were discussing Sour Bitches. She was appalled that I “bought into that shit”. She recognizes that Sour Bitches exist but she thinks they exist because they are i.e. some bitches are just born Sour, they don’t have to be made Sour. What positively sickened her though was that I “bought into” the “macking bullshit”, which is “Ignorant Nigger Nonsense“.

Let me clarify something. My honest opinion of the whole macking, collecting women, harem shit is that its one of the key destroyers of the Black Family.  I didn’t buy into the bullshit, I am merely  trying to understand it.

I have always hated being lumped in with all women. There is nothing that turns me off faster than for somebody to start a thought with “Women all…” or “Why do you women always…?” any blanket statement or stupid generalization based on the percentage of the human female population they know or have heard of. So I’m going to try not to do that but I am going to use biology to show the commonality in all of us women.

Women invest alot of themselves biologically in having children. During pregnancy, the baby takes from you whatever it needs to develop, to the extent of causing your teeth to fall out if it needs the calcium. After the birth, the greater the investment of the biological father in the infant the better the child’s outcomes:

Family structure has important implications for children’s outcomes. Research has shown that, on measures of school achievement and adjustment, children living with other than two biological or adoptive parents are less well-off than children of two parents.

Children raised by single parents or by a parent and a stepparent do less well in school and have more behavior problems (McLanahan and Sandefur 1994).

One of the most important contributors to differential child outcomes is the lower level of resources available to single parent families (Duncan and Brooks-Gunn 1997; McLanahan and Sandefur 1994).

But, if income were the determining factor, it could be expected that children would do as well in two-parent stepfamilies as in two-parent biological families, since the family incomes of children of the former are comparable to those in the latter (McLanahan and Sandefur 1994).

Yet such children are more similar to children in single-parent than to those in two-parent families in terms of their risk of high school drop-out, teen childbearing, and productive activity as young adults (McLanahan and Sandefur 1994). , “Biological and Stepfather Investment in Children”

If another woman takes the father of your children away, she is depriving your children not just of his immediate presence, she is raising the chances that your child will live a life of negative circumstances – poverty, poor educational quality, instability, themselves becoming a single parent and etc. Also, the poorer you are, the worse the place you live is. Even in the worst ghettoes, the presence of a strong father in the home puts that family on par with those earning multiple times their income in terms of outcomes. Much gets said about strong black women that raise kids  without their father when those children excel but statistically, that is not the norm. The absence of a strong father in the home leads to higher incidences of  gang, criminal and drug involvement as well as every other negative occurance, including suicide, all over the world. Literally, lack of their father’s resources and investment could end up a matter of life and death for your child.

For that reason alone, regardless of how we are raised or taught we should be, on a biological level other women of childbearing age are the competition for resources that you want to secure for your offspring. So, alot of the  hatred women have towards each other is rooted in biology. The competition to secure a pair-bond is rooted in nature.

And, the more women a man is having sex with, the more chances there are mathematically that another woman will take his resources for herself in the form of gifts and shit he tricks off on her or for her children in the form of his time and money.

Therefore it is not logical for a woman capable of reproducing to be okay with her man fucking other women.

The mack-ers seeks to get around this by saying “these women all have their own money and resources and can finance their own children” thereby excusing the man except to the extent that he “can” provide for his child. Not only is this seperation of the mother and child disruptive to the family unit, it also downplays the importance of time, teaching the child day to day life lessons through both example and words and physically caring for the child.

Regardless how good a man’s intentions are there are still only 24 hours in a day and you can only be in one place at one time so the more he has to spread out his resources in terms of time and attention, the less there is for everyone. And its a fact of life that at the end of the day when all is said and done between the man who is fucking a whole bunch of women and now has a whole bunch of kids, some of those kids are going to end up without.

When there are no children involved, the Mack then says its all fun and games. The woman gets the benefit of his energy when he’s around and sexual gratification (when he’s not dick rationing, LMMFAO!!!) and he gets the sexual satisfaction, whatever goods and services she brings to the table as well as the ego stroking of having so many women emotionally attached to him. There’s no recognition of the fact that women need more emotionally than one or two days a week of having a man.

Whether there are or aren’t children involved in the Player scenario, because of the added “Tell Lies” component , the women the player is playing usually believe they are in or will be in a monogamous relationship with him. While the mack-ers seem more fixated on  power over and psychological dominance of a female, the player is out for sex. He gets his fix from getting high numbers of women to have sex with him. The mack-ers  wants the women to know he has a Bitches Collection and to overide their biological aversion to that because he is so powerfully desirable, he can overpower millenia upon millenia of survival programming.

The Play Games component for both men is in getting past the woman’s protective radar for bullshit. The Mack does this by getting inside her head and using whatever he finds there to his benefit. Once he has hooked the woman, the Play Games component is to keep the woman at a disadvantage psychologically and emotionally. In this worldview, women are cunning, hurtful, sneaky and malicious. They are always looking for an opening to castrate a man, take his shit, cuckold him or damage him psychologically. He has to maintain control of the woman by confusing her, outwitting her, sabotaging her and (of course) playing mind games.

The reality though is most women are won over by what they think is sincere interest in them, and the man’s intelligence and potential. They have found a good man it seems and they can envision a future with him.

The Play Games component for the player is in evading women after sex, juggling women and narrowly escaping getting caught and getting women to do things that give him a funny story to tell. His psychological intrigues are for the most part included in the Tell Lies component.

The Keep Secrets component for both of them is the same. Of course, for the player  it intersects with Tell Lies. What they both keep secret is their Self. The player does it to add to his resource display illusion. His good looks are a genetic resource, who doesn’t want a cute baby? As is his jewelry, car, clothes, hood rep, proffession, etc. whatever his lure is. He cannot risk putting a chink in his armor by revealing who he really is above and beyond his resource illusion. The mack does it as part of his Play Games component. To have a pyschological advantage, he draws the woman out into the open while always keeping himself in the shadows.

Women experience these men as emotionally unavailable men in off-kilter relationships where it feels so good when your with him but there is always some nagging sense that something is wrong and because there are always levels where you can’t connect with him, you always feel a longing. What’s fucked up about it is that its the longing that makes you needy and clingy and off-balance. These relationships feel like a USDA serving of your favorite food (where a serving is the size of your thumb and a plate of food is the size of your fists) and then…nothing.  These are the relationships that fuck up your life not just because of the inevitable heartbreak but because of what it does to your faith in and connectedness with your fellow man.

When a man plays you for an asshole and then ridicules you in front of the whole world for not stepping off when his fun is done, its devastating. But I think I figured out a few ways we can outwit the whole process and I will share them wit ya next time.

I tried to be scientific in my dissection, let me know how I did.