Moving Day

I am so worried and anxious and my stomach is tied in a knot. I have to call the owner of the apt on Uitca and eastern Pkwy and talk him into accepting the program. I am really scared to hear no because it would take me back to zero. Everything tells me that this is the place for us and that we will get it and it will be a springboard to bigger and better things. Please Universe, be with me. Bless me and help Isaac to see the good in renting to me. Please help bring us together.

Its in the cards and I feel it in my gut.

What Covers You

Ace of Wands

Briefly: Perhaps a move interstate or overseas. Life is about to flourish and grow in more ways than you can imagine.

Full Meaning: This a beautiful card to just look at. On it is a hand reaching out from the sky holding a branch that is sprouting green leaves. This is very symbolic of a new life. You may be about to uproot yourself and move to a totally different location. You could even move interstate or overseas. Life is about to flourish and grow in more ways than you can imagine. There could very well be mountains nearby in the place you are planning on moving to. The sky is blue and the world is your oyster.
Now is the most favourable time to consider what possibilities lay ahead. A business venture may be undertaken now that builds a solid and secure future for you and your family. Take the initiative and move into new territory, for the old has little to offer, whereas the new is fresh and inspiring to you.
If there is a proposition is put to you in the near future it would be potentially prosperous and the likelihood of producing all the things your life needs.


What Crosses You

The Hierophant

Briefly: A man of wisdom and vast experience of life. A guiding light in the dark, a kind and inspiring man you can call on for guidance and advice.

Full Meaning:

This major arcana card is one of a little mystery. The man pictured looks like he knows all the answers. He is clothed in regal attire suggestive of a link with royalty. He looks too like a religious man, perhaps a priest, and the sceptre in his hand is a symbol of mastery and possibly also magic.

He appears to be an elderly man, a man of wisdom and vast experience of life. He seems like a guiding light in the dark. If this card represents you, then you are quite likely at the stage in your life where everything is under control. You have walked the rocky road of life and have mastered the techniques to reach a time of achievement and satisfaction. You may have reached all your previous goals and can now sit back and perhaps rest on your laurels if that is what you choose to do. It is a time of equilibrium, balance and serenity. The troubles of the world are behind you, and now you can take the time out to rest without too many challenges ahead.

If this card represents someone in your life, you obviously look up to this person with great respect. He may have been, and still is, you best friend, your mentor, your confidante. He is a kind and inspiring man and you may have called on him for guidance and advice, which he gave with compassion and willingness. He may even be a spiritual guru who showed you the way when it was dark or in your hour of greatest need. He would have aided you in finding your path in life or gave hints of the mysteries that can often be hidden even from those who search for the meaning of life so compellingly. He is the keeper of the knowledge of life and will share it with those who seek it. He is the eternal philosopher and seeker of truth.

The keys can often be symbolic of new keys coming into your life, such as new house keys or car keys. It can also show you to be aware of where you leave your keys as you may find that you accidently misplace them, which can prove to be very inconvenient. As keys can represent a new direction you are about to take in life, this may suggest that the time is ripe to make significant life changes right now or in the very near future. This card can also represent marriage.



What Crowns You

King of Cups

Briefly: There is success ahead for you, especially if you follow your instincts.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a good looking, blue eyed, clean shaven man.  He is wearing a head-dress of some type and is heavily draped in colourful clothing.  He carries a wand in his left hand and a cup in his right.  He appears regal and conservative.  His calm outer nature may disguise a very gentle and sensitive soul. He may be born under a water sign of either Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces.  He is compassionate, caring and considerate to others needs.  In the background there is the ocean, which partly reflects his nature as being deep and potentially mysterious.  If you are this man, you are on your way to reaching your goals.  There is success ahead for you, especially if you follow your instincts at every turn.  If you are a woman and you draw this card, you may be about to meet him and he will play a pivotal role in your life and may even become your husband.  He will be protective of you and look upon the family as his most significant inspiration and reason for happiness.


What Is Beneath You

Five of Cups

Briefly: 5 days associated with an event that will not be so happy or positive.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man with his head lowered and he is facing the ocean and a cliff top in the distance. On the ground in front if him is three cups spilling out red liquid. Behind him are two cups. He looks sad and alone. The dark clouds in the sky signify sadness. There is a time frame of about five days associated with an event that will not be so happy or positive. However, all things must eventually come to an end and we experience pain and hurt because we are human. Even though the person is experiencing some loss, there is still hope and this is symbolised by the two cups behind him, suggesting that he cannot see this at this point in time, but it is definitely there. This man will eventually pick up the pieces and move on, but has to grieve his loss as he is a human being and will feel this way for some time before he can be healed and renewed. The card often symbolises winter, but can also represent a cold time in the persons life, or there is a separation of some type that is causing this temporary sadness. When the time has passed he will see that there is always hope for a new life and he will start anew, but it may be in a new season such as Spring.


What Is Behind You

Nine of Swords

Briefly: An amount of inner tension that needs to find an outlet.

Full Meaning: When you draw this card you are experience a huge amount of inner tension that needs to find an outlet. You could feel you are in a stranglehold situation in various areas of your life and it may seem insurmountable at this time. However, this is quite a temporary state of affairs. All you really have to do is decide what it is that you really want to do about your life and current situation, and then start the wheels in motion to bring it about. This card is also about thoughts and how your thinking is strongly affecting your actions. If your thoughts are depressed, then you may find that you don’t quite know just yet how to change anything. All is not lost. You just need to try to alter your thinking slightly and soon you will gain a new perspective. It is just a matter of a little time to allow the thought process to really sink in and then you can take the required action to do what it is necessary to change your life. The amount of time required may also very well correspond with the number nine, e.g. nine days or nine weeks or in the ninth month of September may somehow be relevant. Whatever you do, don’t allow other people to make your decisions at this point in time, for you may be very misled and later regret whatever action you took that was not your own true wish.


What Is Before You

Two of Cups

Briefly: Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or new found love.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.


Your Self

Four of Wands

Briefly: Perhaps the family is becoming more important to you or one long distant family member is coming to stay or you are planning to visit their home.

Full Meaning: This is a beautiful card to behold. To me it appears that there is a castle in the distance, on a hill-top and the two wands on either side seem to represent the entrance or gateway to this lovely home. The garland of flowers draped over the wands give an impression of comfort, warmth and beauty. For some this card can mean that you are about to move house. The new one will be a significant improvement on the current abode. If you have already just moved, then the emphasis will be on relaxation and a sanctuary way from the hustle and the bustle of city life. A home in the country would be a suitable location to be living in. Serenity and peace will be the mode of daily living. Perhaps the family is becoming more important to you or one long distant family member is coming to stay or you are planning to visit their home, which is probably at a distance from where you are at the moment.


Around You

Six of Cups

Briefly: There are fortunate and fun events coming if you allow yourself time to stop and smell the roses.

Full Meaning: This card shows a young girl and a young boy facing each other and around them are six cups filled with flowers. This is often associated with memories of past events, in youth or with your early family life. Perhaps someone from your past catches up with you and brings some good news into your life. It is also a card suggesting that you allow the child within to come out and have some fun and get togethers with those you care about. The season can be representative of Spring or Summer and also suggesting that that time will bring happiness and contentment. You may also be on the receiving end of some lovely gifts, and sometimes particularly flowers. There are fortunate and fun events coming if you allow yourself time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak and to get out there amongst others in the world and socialise. You may also purchase new clothes during the coming few months.


Hopes and Fears

Five of Swords

Briefly: A time where one person has won out at the expense of two other people.

Full Meaning: There are 3 people in the picture and one of them has the upper hand in the matter. The other two have lost something that they valued, whether it was love, a material possession of whatever to the one who is holding the swords.

In the background there is the Sun setting so this can indicate early evening. One of the people is appears to be sad and crying. He has lost whatever he/she once had and is now sorry, but it is all too late. Generally I read this as one person has won out at the expense of two other people and they are walking away with their trophy, person or thing of value. The others have lost out and they now know it. They may feel they have been betrayed, but they weren’t, it was a matter of the best one winning, and there could only be one winner in this situation. Usually this means that you are the one who is the winner



Two of Swords

Briefly: There are decisions to be made.

Full Meaning: To draw this card shows that there are decisions to be made. However all the facts may not be in at this point in time. There could be something about to crop up that you are not aware of and it may come to light later. Often something is not seen in the clear light of day or there is an unknown factor involved. Time is often of the essence and it is usually worth waiting it out for awhile to see what may arise to clarify the issue. Making a decision with all the facts is much easier than with only half the information.
Sometimes this card can indicate a problem with the eyes. Maybe an operation will be required, an injury may occur, or glasses need to be prescribed, or new glasses or some other matter involving the eyesight.
If this card is not you, or is unlikely to represent any situation directly involving you, then it is possible that it may relate to someone close to you. They may need your insight, or wisdom to help them sort out a dilemma they are in. There may be a situation where someone has to choose between two differing options and is not sure which is the most appropriate one to select.



The Little Things

Since last night, I have been crying and crying. You can’t even imagine how weak and stupid and dumb and pathetic and simple I feel that I am once again crying over Baby Daddy shit.

Two or three weeks ago, my kids father came home and stayed the week. We had fun, shit felt like old times and just good, like I started getting caught up in the pipe dreams, feeling like things were going back to how they were. Then he left on a Friday and didn’t come home that night, the next night and then around 1am that Saturday turning to Sunday, text me that he was going to a studio. Since then, I have just shut down and retreated from that motherfuckr because THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

I am not going to make it easy for a motherfuckr to do what he’s trying to do. He wants everything to be good here, like he can come thru, eat, fuck, play games and then go do him, feeling good inside because he’s got the home shit under control and he can be the man in the streets. I’m not going to help nobody play me because I never wanted a motherfucker coming thru, fucking me and taking my shit and going to do him. I never wanted to be nobody’s baby mama.

I wish it was a way out of this. I just want this to be OVER so bad. I wish all of this away, for something to happen where this whole situation is GONE. I hate the way I’m feeling right now. I’m lonely, I don’t have help with my kids and I don’t know where this is headed, where I am going to end up or what is going to happen.

I keep feeling that he has some woman pregnant too. I wish that bitch a living hell. I wish her misery, heartache, poverty, sadness, death and sorrow. I hope he turns her life into a giant piece of shit and when her baby isn’t a carbon copy of him, I hope he treats her kid the same way he treats my oldest son. I wish that bitch an ocean of tears and never ending drama, confusion and betrayal. Neverending, till the day she dies. And if she ever tries to bring that baby around, I’m ragging her fucking ass on sight. If I’m not there when he does it, my big daughter better handle it for me like I would for her.

I tried to say, I’m doing this so my kids can have their father in their life but goddamn. This dude keeps saying funky shit to my kids, he treats them like an afterthought, he doesnt help, he’s too distracted to guide them, listen when they’re talking or even realize nobody wants to hear about how good he can fight and nobody can beat him ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Nonstop. He’s determined to do dumb shit now so later he can be like “I didn’t know, I was going thru this at that time and thats why things came out all fucked up but you know I’m a great guy.” like then everyone will be like awww, our daddy so crazy.

My kids have as high a standard for other people as they do  for themselves. Nobody is trying to hear that shit. One day he’s going to get a real rude awakening and as soon as I see it coming, I’m going to leave the room.

For myself, I’m getting some pills to numb all this. I can’t handle the heartbreak of such a long relationship ending. Its like when I came here and never saw my grandaunt again and I never saw my people again. My fantasy is that one day this nigga  slips up and confirms my suspicion that he’s a body double for my husband, who was really thrown into Guantanamo by  the forces of evil in 2004 when I didn’t hear from him from April 22nd to June 2nd. Thats when they got him, threw a garbage bag over his head and disappeared him.  He’s fighting for his life, staying strong, not breaking under any torture, wondering everyday what we think happened to him, not knowing they sent Zero here in his place.  My fantasy is that one day Zero slips up and I catch him out there. I wouldn’t even ask no questions after that. I would knife that motherfucker down. There’d be some white pawr! jumping off in here cause I would hack him down into the basement. I would stab his ass till I couldn’t move my hand or broke one of the crossbeams in the ceiling and we went crashing down into the basement. And even then somebody would have to get me off him.

I can’t deal with the failure of my family. To hold shit together, I have to raise my kids by myself, do everything and act friendly with this nigga while he does him, and I can’t do it. I still have my vision for us. The family compound, businesses and all my grandkids and greatgrankids and great great grandkids.  I dream of there one day being so many of us that as I look out over them, I see the Tree of Life.

I picture my heart  glowing like the sun when I look into all the new faces and their old eyes. Thats for us. I don’t see anything for him because I can’t see anything changing or ever trusting him again or any peace. I don’t want to envision being 80 years old with a broken heart. I don’t want this confusion in my life AT ALL, now, let alone in the prime of my life. I just want this to be over. I don’t even tell him when the kids fuck up or do dumb shit because I don’t want him to throw it back in our faces. Him having the keys to our house is like the cops being able to come in here at any time.

I can’t deal with how powerless I feel. I feel like I am just powerless against all the shit in my life I hate.

Capricorn Woman, Cancer Men…The Saga

There are three Cancer Men in my life and all three of them are kicking my ass emotionally right now.

The first is my little big brother. My little big brother was born when I was six. The events happened back to back: I came to this country, went to sleep a few nights and woke up one morning to him being here. I knew about pregnant women and that my mother was pregnant when I saw her again the first time but my little brother’s birth was like I made a wish and got it. I was miserable when I came here. My little sister was jealous (she was 3, she couldn’t help it) and the first things she did were in that vein, scratching me, snatching my chain off, running between me and her mother. It was so dirty here and I missed the two dozen people that made up my daily life till that point badly. So when I suddenly had a baby here just like the babies I had back at home, I was happy as hell.

I loved my little big brother. He was born with a big ass head and a face like a pie. He had some kind of autism or retardation and they used to talk about him in terms of how fucked up he’d be because of his condition. I felt mad protective towards him. He was one of those people that couldn’t conceive of grimey shit, like he was innocent and sweet and so grateful for any little thing you did for him. I used to kiss my little brother up like a million times a day and play with him all day, carrying him around like a doll. I remember getting a beating when he ate mud. I made mud cakes and this little boy ate them and was sitting there with a mouthful of mud and my mother lit my ass up. I remember another beating from playing with the hose until I sprayed a big ass patch of the grass up out of the lawn spraying him. My moms was never maternal, never kissy or huggy or sweet but I was, especially to him. I loved the shit out of my little brother and apparently the feeling was very, very, very mutual.

As time went on, I stayed close to him. I used to cook for him, read with him and teach him things from the Mathemagics book that we had. I don’t have one bad memory of him in my whole life. When he was little and he told me still to this day, his favorite food is my world famous spaghetti with hotdogs and ketchup. (It can’t be the taste, I think its the memories for him too). He doesn’t eat raw lunchmeat because I used to cook cold cuts and his favorite drink is sugar water lemonaide, my other gourmet specialty. My little big brother had that idiot savant thing where he can learn some things so well its like his memory is photographic but he’s otherwise not smart. He knows two plus three is five but he can’t learn life lessons. He had the entire MTA subway map memorized when he was four so he could tell you every stop that every train stopped at and all the connections. He never understood social cues or that people are fucked up inside or that bad stuff happens to good people. But because he was always with me, he used to play with all the other little kids and he learned to socialize. He learned to play sports and games but he never was the right age mentally. When my little big brother was like eleven, I left my mother’s the first time for good.

By then, my littlest brother, the second Cancer was born. My littlest brother was fucked up bad with autism. He was born when I was sixteen. My mother knew how I was with babies and she expected that I would be the same way with him as I had been with my little big brother but I was a teenager then and engrossed in my own shit. Engrossed. I took care of my littlest brother and when I was home he was always up under me but thats when I was home, which I tried to make as little of the time as possible. Hindsight being twenty/twenty I used to think my mother had my littlest brother to try and patch things up with her husband but she might have been thinking of me too, wishing that the baby being there would make me come back and be how I was. Life is crazy.

At any rate, I was too engrossed to understand. I didn’t even understand myself at that age.

I didn’t come home. I was too busy chasing another Cancer. My kid’s father. You know how people say they thought “the world” of somebody? I thought the Sun of that dude. I loved my kids’ father. Everything about him fascinated me and I remember when we first started living together, laying next to him looking at his face and playing with his eyelashes and touching his skin.

Not in a sexual way, but I remember doing that to all my Cancers. Even my daughter now. I remember doing that to all of them and telling them how much I loved them and that they were my sweety love baby or my benjiboom or my big big bigboy or with the kids father… my true and living god. Without really thinking of  what happened to those words when they left my mouth. I never really thought of how those words affected them or what impact I had on them.  I get caught up in my emotions, what people make me feel and my needs to where I don’t see myself as an active doer in relationships but that’s probable the case for everybody.

I’m not ready to talk about it yet but my little big brother just got married. I missed his wedding. Just like, I missed all the other important things in his life once I left home. My brother used to come wherever I was at and just sit with me the day but I never really thought about why he was there. I just figured he aint have nothing else to do, without thinking he’s a Cancer and maaaad emotional and he’s guided by those feelings. Whenever I cut my moms off, I never made other arrangements to stay in tune with him. Its like one minute this little boy had me not just in his corner but I liked him, understood him, loved him unconditionally thru and thru always and the next minute I just turned my back. But at the time,

I was about to go into a bunch of lies. Without meaning to lie. But the truth is that I just forgot about him. That makes me feel foul on par with my moms and her foul-ness. That’s Mummy caliber of hurting people. I just forgot about him, like if I thought about him I would smile but not go look for him. The same thing with my littlest brother.

He was four when I had my own son. The craziest thing I remember was that one time he had on an old hat that belonged to one of my friends from Tech when I came to the house. I asked him about it and he launched into a whole speech about the boy and he’d remembered EVERYTHING I’d told him like I was a living legend. He was wearing that hat like my jersey. When he was a baby, I used to talk mad slow to him but never in baby talk and I would drag out the explanations of everything down to the detail. I would say things like “Benji, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge, look in the door of the fridge and get a purple container that says Silk. Open it and put it on the table. Get a bowl. Get the cereal and pour it into the bowl, slowly so you don’t spill it. When you see the top of the cereal make a mountain, put the bowl on the table next to the Silk. Then pour some silk on the cereal until only the top of the mountain is showing.” for everything. He used to wild out when people gave him regular directions and he couldn’t follow and they’d hit him or call him names but I always had patience. He wasn’t supposed to be able to show affection because of the autism but I kissed and tickled and played with him so much that he was very affectionate. Sometimes inappropriately so. My little brother used to tickle my kids’ father which was super creepy. He knew Benji was autistic but he still used to react like how anybody would react if a little crazy kid just started tickling them.

That reminds me of another Cancer, born on the 4th of July, my friend’s son Rah. My friend was mean as a rattlesnake and she used to beat  her kids up bad. All day, she’d be smacking, punching, pulling hair, screaming in their faces, even kicking them. Rah was like four but he had no teeth because all his front teeth had gotten rotted out by the bottle. But he was the sweetest baby. I used to play with him all day and kiss him up and protect him. The daughter was too shellshocked to really be close to anybody but she used to like to hold my hand and sit next to me. Rah though was like he wanted to climb into my body like if he could squeeze himself into my belly he would’ve. One day my kid’s father came over there and he was like why is the young god looking at me like that?

Rah was ice grilling him, mad dogging  him, mad as fuck the whole day. As young as he was, the jealousy was very mannish like if he had any wins, he would’ve tried to kick my kids’ father’s ass. I would have had to choose that day, lol.  Again with the hindsight being twenty/twenty my kid’s father was teasing me like I was cheating with the little boy or something but that was probably not far from what Rah was thinking. He was hurt and mad when my kids’ father showed up. My little big brother wanted to play ball and make music because of my kid’s father and he’d sit there and listen to what he was doing for hours when he came to the crib. If I’d had the level of understanding I do now then, I would’ve told my kids father our history and to just take him under the wing because he was going through some abandonment shit. My littlest brother like I said, used to tickle him and come sit with him whenever he was there. I never thought about it though, really, in terms of what they were going through.

So much shit that I never thought about. My little big brother stayed mad short, kept the same size head and went into the military. I moved uptown and hardly ever saw my littlest brother after a while. When I would see him though, I would take him to do whatever  I could that was the most fun with him. If I had a car, I’d take them driving. If I had five dollars, we’d walk and get ice cream. He was another one that was supremely grateful for anything.

Its like if that lady from Helen Keller just quit her job and went to go work in an office.  Like if one Monday, helen keller was sitting there waiting for anne sullivan and this heifer had just bounced, got her a next job, a kid of her own or something and never came to check her.

Back to the three pronged assault though. I was talking to my little big brother and I told him that me and my kids father broke up and that I put him out. He goes so where did he go? I said I don’t know, to his brothers. The shit felt so heavy when he asked me like somebody just told me they put somebody old out in the cold with no money and no help. He asked me what about the kids. I told him they were okay and he didn’t say anything. Then he asked me if my kid’s father got a new wife. I said some angry shit and he goes thats so messed up for your family and then he asked me if my kid’s father was sick. I said no. And then I told him that he twice shit a toilet bowl full of blood. He went silent. I could hear him breathing but neither of us could talk.  He told me he’d known my kids father since he was little and he’d never thought about him getting old and dying.

I felt like running. Dead serious. All I could think was how can I get some money so I can move to Hawaii. If I had anywhere to go I would’ve dropped the phone and ran there.

My little brother told me he’s always going to love me but. I can’t handle that either.

Then my littlest brother wrote me a letter asking me to please take him somewhere for his bday with “my family”. That made me think of how I had built him up like he would always have me and then pushed him away till now he’s an outsider that has to be asking to tag along. And then the type of people that he is, he’s been thinking about that  for awhile, probably since the last time I spent time with him…three years ago.

My kid’s father (i can’t think of an alias yet) is the third prong. He makes me feel autistic and retarded. On the relationship level, he deserved to get put out on his fucken ass but emotionally, going back to our history and looking at the whole of everything, I can’t deal with how wicked I feel for turning my back on him and putting him out in the street after the way I built him up. I can’t deal with how I was looking at the blood in the toilet medically when any little thing  that happens in MY body, I relate to stress and emotional breakdown. When LE (my little big brother) took that shit so hard, I thought about when my kid’s father found out his brother had heart surgery. And he was fucked up, like this can’t be happening to my Olympian pet grizzly bear BIG brother. It was like this iconic legendary hero that was like superman since he was little is now kicked and bloody on the ground on front of him and there’s nothing he can do about it.  My kid’s father was the first dude that was good at everything, muscles bulging and ‘hood and smart and good at the video games he played with my little brothers. I never think about that. This is my brother’s superman. When I look at how my brothers started working out, making music, playing ball and even carrying themselves, that’s their model.

And I never thought about that.

So, where it is right now is since then, I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking.  other people and my impact on them. What we all need. what they need from me. It would be nothing for me to go find my little big brother, go meet his wife, hug him up and kick it with them and make everybody feel good. It would be nothing for me to tell my mother to start letting my littlest brother spend the weekends with me. It’s nothing for me to tell my kid’s father that I love him and always will. But what about maintaining that shit? With my kids father I look at it like he’s a grimey nigga that at any time could destroy me mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I have to keep him at arm’s length so he doesn’t end up having me smoking crack somewhere. I can’t trust him and what he wants to do is destructive to me.

Its not just the cheating, but everything that comes with it – the rejection, the lies, the competing with other bitches for some “thing” that’s supposed to be mine, not ever knowing exactly what is going on, the mindgames I can’t play because I am looking at it like this is my life… All I can do is crumble under that. He was here all week until Friday. Friday he left and spent the night somewhere and then Saturday I guess the same and then he went to some studio and now he is wherever he is. What can come from that? Like what is in it for me to pursue a relationship with a man so he can feel comfortable dividing his time between home and family and the shit that he really likes to do so he can rap about how he fucks alot? So with him, uggghhhh…

They say you have the same relationship with a cancer man as you do with your mother and that is the truth. Just like her, he didn’t want me when he had me and now he can’t come back. The day she killed it for me was the day she told me that a man she met on the street and started fucking with was her family and for me that came out of her body to stop messing with her family. The day this dude killed it for me was the day he told me he was confused. That had a harder impact then when he told me he never wanted these kids, I just kept getting pregnant. That was a doozie but the confused shit blew that away… Twenty years and five kids in and you is confused? WTF fuck kinda weak ass shit is that? He could have told me anything and it would have been better than saying that. If you confused then you not in control and I’m know I’m not in control so who the  is? Amanda Rollins or Ithiopia or SarahPNC?

I have reached the point where I don’t have to be fighting with him but I know he’s not my peoples.  I take the best part he has to offer that day and I don’t look for nothing else. Cause  he has NOTHING for me. The day is never going to come where I get back from him anything equal to what I put in or when I don’t feel like I need a drink to be okay with “us”. So the honest truth is that I wasn’t planning on maintaining anything with him because as soon as I could, my plan was to RUN. As soon as I met another man I fell in love with and my kids were in a situation where they could function independently that was going to be the last my kid’s father ever heard or saw of me, lol. Whatever had happened the day before be damned, I would drop his ass like a hot rock and make moves. We could have been in bed talking about the highest sciences and mathematics and how much we were the Sun and Earth and hours later, I would’ve met my real soulmate and boated.  And I felt like he deserved no more or less.

But my brothers don’t. I don’t want to make them feel good or show them that I love them today and then can’t maintain it. I need to find a way to bring them into my life, to stay. Otherwise I’m going to turn on the news one day and see my brother’s face on there (either one) talking about he’s the one thats been killing all those hookers.

I also need to stop feeling overwhelmed by feelings. But I feel overwhelmed, till the point of being crippled. I can’t think of emotions or feel a deep one without something happening in my chest or crying. They don’t get integrated into the experience and then I feel needy or like I’m missing something. Too often, I think of a person and then think of how I feel for them, as two separate things.

Help Me Universe. I’ll leave it at that. I was trying to think of a solution so I could leave things nice and tidy but thats not the reality. Just help me Universe.