Big Dreams of Small Things

So…today, I have to get all of my shit out of this apt and into Puffs because the owner of the building is coming and he can’t see it here. Ok, but damn do I have alot of shit. Last week, I went and got the stuff from the old place and bought it here. Don’t get me wrong, I threw 90% of it out once we got here but its still alot. I need to find my place soon. I want to build my house, Universe.

Ok, done. I dont even want to talk about the eight hours it took. Its all good : ))).

I just did a tarot reading and I am so feeling this:

What Covers You


Briefly: The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life.

Full Meaning: This shows a grim reaper and a white rose at the same time. The Sun is setting in the background of the card, indicating the end of daylight hours. This is the card of endings, renewal and transformation of the highest order. The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life. Sometimes an unpleasant event shows us the way to a new path. This may seem traumatic at the time, but it is also saying that the old ways are no longer valid, or of value in your new life. It is time to cast aside whatever is hindering your progress in life and make a whole new start. Turn the leaf, sow new seeds, wear new clothes, change your appearance, move house, leave that boring job and get out there and dance. Life can end at any moment for any of us, so it is how wisely we spend our time here that really matters. You can still be serious about some aspects of your life, but leave plenty of room open for fun and for spontaneity. When we are on our death-bed, we will wish we had kicked up our heels more often, been more carefree, eaten more ice-cream, danced longer, sang out loud and showed others how much we love them. Don’t wait till then, do it now, while you are alive and still kicking.

What Crosses You

Seven of Wands

Briefly: You are now on your way to your destiny, to fulfil some mission that you know you have to do.

Full Meaning: This card has a picture of a strong man on it and he is wielding a long wand and in front of him are six other wands. Each of these wands has a few green leaves on it symbolising fertility. He is a man of courage and strength. He has strong hands that are put to practical use. If you are this man then you are now on your way to your destiny, to fulfil some mission that you know you have to do. You are capable and wise. You are reaping the harvest and bringing home the bacon so to speak. You are not afraid of challenge nor hard work. You set your goals high and you always attempt to achieve them, despite whatever difficulties may get in your way. If you are not this person, then this type of man is going to enter your life and make a lot of changes to it. He is only there to help and to guide you. He will not push you anywhere you don’t want to go, though will be available for advice and counselling where necessary. If you are a woman who has not yet had her first child, it is possible that a pregnancy is indicated by this card. The child may be conceived or born in winter. You will surmount all obstacles and achieve your dreams.

What Crowns You

Page of Swords

Briefly: Time to go out there and make your indelible mark on the world in your own unique way.

Full Meaning: This guy is ready for action and adventure. He is capable of acting quickly and confidently. Yet he is known to be somewhat aloof at times and may seem too young to tackle the tasks at hand. He is brave and sometimes foolishly confident. He learns well though by his mistakes, because he usually makes them while he is young.
He is often very good looking, crystal clear blue eyes, though sometimes has pure black eyes. His skin is smooth and clean shaven. He has a boyish look to his face, even when in his late twenties or early thirties. He has innocent charm and can make the girls swoon around him, yet hardly noticing that he has this affect on them. He has the wanderlust in him and will want to travel at a young age. He can hardly wait to get out there in the world and explore what life has to offer.
If this card is the querent’s card, it could be signalling the time to go out there and make your indelible mark on the world in your own unique way with no apology to anyone.
If this card is not you, you could encounter someone like him who briefly walks through your life. Cherish this while it lasts, for it may or may not last very long. He wants to be on the move and no amount of clinging will keep him from getting out the door. Let him go and he will return when he is ready.

What Is Beneath You

Two of Wands

Briefly: Time to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man with part of his back to us and he is holding a staff in one hand and a globe of the world in the other and is looking out towards a distant mountain. He appears to be studious and in deep concentration. He may be seriously considering his future. He is tall and well built and wears a cloak for warmth.
This can suggest that you are about to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements. You may actually uproot yourself and move to another country, another state or another town. Your job is obviously undergoing some kind of transformation and you may be breaking new ground with some new endeavour. This will require your time, your patience and your strong belief in yourself that you can do anything you set out to do.
You could be presented with a rather unique opportunity that leads you on to pursue your wildest dreams. Or you may have developed your own vision or idea and be in the process of bringing this all to fruition by your very own hands. Don’t let others sidetrack you at this stage, for you are vulnerable to suggestion and may listen to some bad advice or discouragement. Trust in your own wisdom and you will ultimately have the last laugh.

What Is Behind You

Seven of Pentacles

Briefly: A bonus or raise is in the near future.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a fit young man leaning on a rake.  He is in a garden overflowing with healthy foliage, and in the background are mountains.  He is obviously a hard working man going about his business, yet with an eye to the future.  There are seven coins on the card depicting that he will gain financially from his efforts.  There could also be a bonus in the near future for him, as most of the coins are in front of him.  If this card represents yourself, you could be about to start a new job or earn an extra bonus in your pay packet.  Or perhaps someone may actually assist you by guiding you towards a lucrative financial investment. You may also distance yourself from where you now live to earn a new living.

What Is Before You

Ten of Wands

Briefly: Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man struggling with a heavy load. Remember the saying “can’t see the forest for the trees?” Perhaps you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. This may reflect some aspect of your life where you feel a little overwhelmed and unable to continue without a strong will and a determination not to fail. Your motives are of high standing and you only want what is best for everyone concerned. You will soon gain the feather in your cap and be able to move freely through life as if the coast is finally clear. Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation. Give yourself every effort to succeed and you surely will.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a beautiful woman wearing lovely clothes and a crown on her head, placed on top of lovely beaded headwear.   She holds in front of her a large pentacle and her hands are slim and well manicured.  She wears a special ring, which has a large oval stone set in it, which is possibly a ruby. There are mountains in the background, similar to those in Hawaii.  There is foliage around her and nuts growing on these. Generally she has blue eyes, though could have any eye colour.  If you are this person, you are on your way to fame and fortune.  You may come into a windfall, marry well, or somehow stumble upon a unique way to increase your income.  You will be well liked by your friends and loved by your family and husband.  You are serious, yet vulnerable.  You are calm, yet can be set back by those who stir conflict around you.  The comforts of life are important, more so for your own peace within your own mind knowing that you have what you need. If you are not this woman, then you will meet someone like her who supports you in many and varied ways.  If you are a female, this woman will become your most ardent fan and friend.  If you are a male, this woman may become your lover or your wife.  Cherish her, for she is loyal and affectionate and has your best interests at heart.

Your Self

Eight of Cups

Briefly: There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made.

Full Meaning: This card shows a person with a hooded cloak walking with a staff near an inlet that is surrounded by tall cliffs. You cannot see the person’s face as they have their back to you. In the background is a crescent Moon. It appears to be either early morning or early evening. There are eight cups in the foreground. This is symbolic of being in a reflective state of mind. There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made. If you draw this card you either live in a setting like this or it is not far from your home. Or perhaps you are considering moving to a seaside resort area at some point in the not too distant future. This can be a time when you choose a different course of action that puts you where you are destined to be. It is also time to consider bringing in some newness into your life and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.

Around You

Nine of Cups

Briefly: Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a content and happy man wearing colorful clothing and a large hat with a feather in it. Behind him are the nine cups and this is often called the wish card. Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease. There is a sense of satisfaction and happiness with one’s place in life. Often material gains are unfolding towards you and you will enjoy general good health and a more safe and secure lifestyle. Many celebrations and social gatherings are likely to occur in the near future and you may also attend some special dress up type parties such as fancy dress parties.

Hopes and Fears

Two of Swords

Briefly: There are decisions to be made.

Full Meaning: To draw this card shows that there are decisions to be made. However all the facts may not be in at this point in time. There could be something about to crop up that you are not aware of and it may come to light later. Often something is not seen in the clear light of day or there is an unknown factor involved. Time is often of the essence and it is usually worth waiting it out for awhile to see what may arise to clarify the issue. Making a decision with all the facts is much easier than with only half the information.
Sometimes this card can indicate a problem with the eyes. Maybe an operation will be required, an injury may occur, or glasses need to be prescribed, or new glasses or some other matter involving the eyesight.
If this card is not you, or is unlikely to represent any situation directly involving you, then it is possible that it may relate to someone close to you. They may need your insight, or wisdom to help them sort out a dilemma they are in. There may be a situation where someone has to choose between two differing options and is not sure which is the most appropriate one to select.


Queen of Pentacles

Briefly: You are on your way to fame and fortune.

Queen of Pentacles – Tarot Card Description

Queen of Pentacles – Tarot Card Meanings

Good Fortune. You need to protect your good fortune and that of those you care about. Parties that provide you with social connections can greatly benefit you. Patronise the arts and enjoy your riches as best as you can. It will pay off.

With Queens, the emphasis is on your inner state. The Queen of Pentacles is not a real, many-sided person, but she does express an ideal of a certain type. In readings, she asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Are you feeling warm and caring toward others? Are you being sensible? Have you been true to your word? Do you feel generous? Can you be counted on when times are tough? This Queen can also represent a man or woman who is like her, or an atmosphere of warmth, trust and security. In a reading, she tells you that her special energy has meaning for you at this time. Let yourself be inspired by this Queen in whatever form she appears in your life.

The Queen of Pentacles expresses practical energy. She is the original Earth Mother. She’s the one with the rows of home-canned goods on the shelf in the root cellar. She is able to work a full-time job, take care of the children, keep the house clean, and still have time to read the financial section of the Wall Street Journal. She probably has a little nest egg tucked away in a few bank accounts that no one knows about. Her style of mothering is practical. The punishment always fits the crime. Colour on the wall? Here, take this wash cloth and clean it up. All done? Good. It’s forgotten. You will be responsible for your own actions, and she will make sure of it.

Physical description – dark haired woman. Large, strong constitution, cheerful. The ultimate mother. Personality traits – she is secure, wealthy, enjoys luxury, and abundance. Generous and sincere, but lacking sparkle. Matronly. Good head for business. Sometimes moody, generally very caring.

Pragmatic, sensuous, generous, abundance, practical, astute businesswoman, secretive, financially adept, good mother, nurturer, reserved, wealth, protective of her territory, endurance, stability, spinning and weaving, full of potential, power of prophesy, second sight, common sense, deviation, ancient tradition of earth magic, physically fit, strength, hard working, pleasures of the body, caring for and pampering the body, enjoyment of luxury, dignity, grace, prosperity, steadfast, good organiser, prosperity, harmony, regality, devoted, affectionate, warm hearted, management skills, enjoying the fruits of labour, comfort, fertility, parenthood, love of all living creatures.

Community life, takes responsibility willingly, love of nature, happy giving material help in demanding situations, shrewdness, ownership, steady employment, steady progress, evolution, voluptuous woman, material goods, all the good things in life, benefactress, emotional maturity, provider, philanthropist, display of wealth, practical wisdom, creativity, crafts, Great Mother, actions speak louder than words, confidence, down to earth, loves fresh flowers and good food, both feet on the ground, nurturer, a team player, family woman, tactile, indulgences, gifts, forgiving, firm foundation, sensible, environmentalist, bestower of life and bounty, unconditional love.

The Queen of Pentacles depicts a solitary woman, much like the one appearing in the Nine of Pentacles. However, the Queen represents fruitfulness and satisfaction to a greater degree than that expressed in the nine. Here we have the Queen of sensual enjoyment, an earth mother similar to the Empress of the Major Arcana. She sits on a throne decorated with carvings of fruit trees, goats, angels, and other symbols of material success and sensual pleasure. The tree above her and the ground beneath her feet are rich with flowers and ripe plants of all sorts and she holds in her hand a single golden pentacle, which represents her material richness. At the very lower right-hand corner of the card a rabbit, the symbol of reproduction and fertility, darts out from behind some bushes.The Queen of pentacles represents prosperity and security. The security can be either financial or physical. There will be generosity demonstrated and you will find freedom associated with this security. Want to establish yourself TO yourself, to find your ‘centre’ or place where you belong, and for words (prophecies) or ideas to come to light. Keep following your star and you will get your wish. You may have to wait but what you want WILL come.

What I have on the agenda is to go see a house tomorrow with Mike the Realtor. I dont want to say how I’m dying hoping I like it because I am so scared I’ll jinx myself but then again I am wearing the sixth and seventh seals of Jupiter and So far its brought me very good luck, calm and everything going good.  I hope the house is perfect. I hope I love it and its the best thing  and all that we needed and we are blessed in all ways as we transact.


Solar Tsunami to Hit the Earth…and Other News

Ok, so late breaking fearmongering non-event warning of the day:

Nasa scientists braced for ‘solar tsunami’ to hit earth

The earth could be hit by a wave of violent space weather as early as Tuesday after a massive explosion of the sun, scientists have warned.

The solar fireworks at the weekend were recorded by several satellites, including Nasa’s new Solar Dynamics Observatory which watched its shock wave rippling outwards.

A Nasa spokesman was unavailable for comment.

“This means we have a very good chance of seeing major and prolonged effects, such as the northern lights at low latitudes.”

Astronomers from all over the world witnessed the huge flare above a giant sunspot the size of the Earth, which they linked to an even larger eruption across the surface of Sun.

The explosion was aimed directly towards Earth, which then sent a “solar tsunami” racing 93 million miles across space.

Images from the SDO hint at a shock wave travelling from the flare into space, the New Scientist reported.

Experts said the wave of supercharged gas will likely reach the Earth on Tuesday, when it will buffet the natural magnetic shield protecting Earth.

It is likely to spark spectacular displays of the aurora or northern and southern lights.

Scientists have warned that a really big solar eruption could destroy satellites and wreck power and communications grids around the globe if it happened today.

Nasa recently warned that Britain could face widespread power blackouts and be left without critical communication signals for long periods of time, after the earth is hit by a once-in-a-generation “space storm”.

The Daily Telegraph disclosed in June that senior space agency scientists believed the Earth will be hit with unprecedented levels of magnetic energy from solar flares after the Sun wakes “from a deep slumber” sometime around 2013.

It remains unclear, however, how much damage this latest eruption will cause the world’s communication tools.

Dr Lucie Green, of the Mullard Space Science Laboratory, Surrey, followed the flare-ups using Japan’s orbiting Hinode telescope.

“What wonderful fireworks the Sun has been producing,” the UK solar expert said.

“This was a very rare event – not one, but two almost simultaneous eruptions from different locations on the sun were launched toward the Earth.

“These eruptions occur when immense magnetic structures in the solar atmosphere lose their stability and can no longer be held down by the Sun’s huge gravitational pull. Just like a coiled spring suddenly being released, they erupt into space.”

She added: “It looks like the first eruption was so large that it changed the magnetic fields throughout half the Sun’s visible atmosphere and provided the right conditions for the second eruption.

“Both eruptions could be Earth-directed but may be travelling at different speeds.

I bet you $20 nothing happens. We’ve had all of these dire predictions of all of this frenetic energy and great changes coming and all this because of the Cardinal Transits but its been a wash. Just frustration and the sense that something has to happen but then, nothing. Like smelling smoke but not feeling heat or finding fire…

At any rate, nothing has happened on the apartment front yet, at least to my knowledge. Hopefully, without me knowing it, the Universe is conspiring to shower me with great blessings and the house of my dreams in a few days.

Today’s Reading:

Card of the Day: The King of Wands

Past: The Wheel of Fortune –

The Wheel of Fortune indicates that the second half of the soul’s journey has begun. After exploring the realm of inner dreams and visions, The Hermit enabled the unconscious to come to light. The efforts of the Hermit completed the soul’s first half of the journey; individuation of self and the establishment of ones position in society. Yet, the Hermit now understands that he is not a slave to his position to society. It’s a choice that enables him to move within society’s constructs or well outside of them.

The Wheel of Fortune represents the unifying aspects of the psyche; the unconscious and conscious have converged. The Wheel of Fortune is the mandala which represents a spiritual wholeness and inner stability. In a tarot reading, the appearance of The Wheel of Fortune indicates that a major part of the journey has been reached. The individual is free from the oppressions of society. He knows his true self. He has walked through the darker parts of himself and he now is able to unite with his destiny.

The correlating number to The Wheel of Fortune is ten. Ten is the first of the numbers that has double digits. It symbolizes a new beginning and the completion of a life stage. Ten is considered to be a perfect number; therefore it represents perfection, harmony, and a new beginning. Its association to the Wheel of Fortune signifies the wheels ever changing movement. The new road is presented to the individual. He is invited to either jump on the path to his destiny or choose to sit aside. The center of the Wheel of Fortune represents the universe. The spokes depict the channels that lead to Self.

The Wheel of Fortunes conveys a peace of mind, the relinquishing of guilt, and the substructure of universal order. In a tarot reading, the Wheel of Fortune imparts the principles of change. Its tarot card meanings refer to the fact that nothing in this world is constant. There is always the element of uncertainty and nothing can be controlled indefinitely. The only thing that is certain is change. The Wheel of Fortune reminds us that we must learn to have acceptance and understand that all things must move forward if we are to reach enlightenment.

The negative aspect of the Wheel of Fortune represents the individual who can not see the bigger picture of his journey. He remains enclosed in his own interpretation of fate. He is not unable to learn from his mistakes nor is he capable of seeing the clues that encourage him to take a different path. He remains forever tied to what he believes is his destiny. Thus, he misses important opportunities that may bring new directions.

Upright Wheel of Fortune Tarot Card Meanings In A Tarot Reading

You are beginning a new life cycle, one that promises fortunate circumstances. Things have been set in motion that you have little control of, yet if you accept the process, change and growth will occur. This is a process of destiny and if you let it work through you, events of great significance can manifest. In your current situation, you have no personal control to influence the outcome. Allow the universe to work for you. This may be a period where there are many changes. Expect new opportunities and be willing to take some chances. When the Wheel of Fortune appears upright in your tarot spread, it may represent a new situation that will require a decision of the utmost importance. This can represent a change in your destiny. Although things may be moving rapidly, be sure you look at the bigger picture. Know that your labors will bring big rewards.

  • Fate
  • Good fortune or luck
  • Quick changes
  • Life Cycles
  • Progress


Future: Five of Pentacles (Reversed) –

Reversed Five of Pentacles Tarot Card Meanings in a Tarot Reading
The positive aspect of a Reversed Five of Pentacles refers to the end of a crisis or period of struggle. Issues surrounding money will improve. If you have been unhappy in your current job, things may turn around for you. Hard times are behind you. Emotionally, you may be coming out of a period of depression or apathy. You have found a new faith in yourself and in spiritual matters.

In some cases, the Five of Pentacles can indicate continued hardship and financial insecurity. In a tarot reading, the reversed Five of Pentacles can indicate an emotional impoverishment. This may be a period where you have nothing to give because you are emotionally tapped. In these circumstances, it’s important to remember to nurture yourself.

• New found faith
• Improved conditions
• Improvement with one’s health
• Financial hardship coming to an end

Let’s hope so!!!

The Sunshine After The Rain

Peace, dear journal. Today is astrologically significant for me – Saturn is moving into my first house.

Sunshine After The Rain

In light of this, I have come to a few realizations. The first is that I am a Writer, thats my proffession, my career.

The second is that the negative thinking that I thought protected me (If I think of the “worst, it won’t happen!), has really done nothing but hurt my life. I am good, I am blessed and working towards perfection. I get better every day and I can rise to any challenge. I am a winner. Can’t corrupt that vibe with loser thoughts.

Third, I need to meet like minded souls and people with the power to help me do more and be more.

I have been smoking weed for 14/15 years now. It hasn’t done anything but made me fat and lazy. No more smoking. Period.

My Reading today was super cool:

Card of the Day:

Nine of Cups

Smugness. No need to do another thing to obtain the fulfillment you desire, it’s here. Satisfaction. Comfort. Focus on a real and meaningful pusuit whether in the arts or love. Everything lined up and in its place. Time of fruition. Possible birth of child or project. Something that was missing has been found and put in order.

Recent Past

Strength Tarot Card

Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one’s disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one’s gifts as well as one’s weaknesses.

When Strength is in the past position of your reading, you can see the basis of your current situation stemming from a mastery of your circumstances. You maintained composure recently and are benefiting from your patience and expertise. Sometimes this card represents a state of boredom in your past that led you to stray from familiar conditions that you felt you had outgrown. Your ordinary world had been mastered and the journey you are now on is based on a desire to challenge yourself and see all that life may have to offer.

Strength really applies more to inner strength than actual physical strength. These inner qualities include love, patience and gentleness. But more importantly, this card refers to these qualities in the context that they are more important than material power, force or hate. So many people think of a show of a strength as who has the biggest army, the most weapons or in the case of one human to another, the strongest hands. Sometimes it takes more strength to offer a hand of friendship than that of war. In other words, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another meaning for this card is a possible reconciliation. If the subject is on the outs with a friend or even a lover, this card could represent that fences are about to be mended. Of course this will only be possible if you can conquer your negative emotions.

In still yet another meaning, this card shows that possible obstacles that you are facing are imagined rather than real and it is important to confront these obstacles and determine if they are indeed of substance or just something that you’ve conjured up in your own mind.

The Lion in this card is symbol of strength and courage. Often there is a woman shown on this tarot card and she represents the feminine side in everyone. This is suggestion of the more gentle and sensitive side taming the “inner beast” The woman is not killing the lion but is quietly mastering it. Strength as a Tarot card is symbol of discipline and inner determination.

Interpreting Strength in a Tarot Spread

Strength throws a protective influence over the person’s world. It provides them with the stamina and endurance needed to face up to life’s trials and tribulations. No matter what they are going through, they will be able to cope. Fate won’t throw anything their way that can’t be handled. They can overcome obstacles with courage and determination. When this card appears in someone’s spread, suggest that they might take a look around them. They will then start to notice people are there, willing to help and support them. All they have to do is ask. This card also draws attention to matters of communication such as telephone calls, letters and gossip. These could open new doors for them. It is possible that someone who was born between July 21 and August 21 will be an important part of their life at the moment.


The Chariot
Concentration on objectives is needed. Path is clear, do not get sidetracked by outside forces. Triumph. Vengeance. Overcoming of obstacles. Clearing of path to victory and one’s desires. Force of will. Strength in focus. No time for outside influences. Headstrong. Rush of energy in one’s favor now. Travel is possible. Swift nature in reaching one’s goals. Positive and quick result on the way. No time for delay in completing course of action. Strong will.

The Chariot

Are you in control? Did you just win big? Have you finally reached a new level of accomplishment? Are you being handed control of a big project? The Chariot is the Tarot card most associated with victory and control. When you see this card in a Tarot reading in times of struggle, understand that when Caesar conquered an opposing army, his victory parade made the years of struggle worth it. If you are not yet victorious, learn to appreciate your struggle, as the celebration you can have will be even more enjoyable with your challenges still fresh in your mind. If you recently accomplished a great task, be sure to revel in your enjoyment of the moment; there are no guarantees of future enjoyment, so soak up the feeling of pure triumph.
If The Chariot is in your reading’s present position, you are experiencing a great triumph at the moment. This might be something for which you have wanted for months or years. It might be something that was just handed to you and now you are feeling insecure about being in control. There are often mixed feelings that come with getting what you wanted, as an unease about the change inherent in this transformation makes one lose touch with seeing the possibilities.

Lost Found Love

I decided today that I am going to become a full-time, get fucked up at 9:00 in the morning, true- blue alcoholic. I have too many problems to deal with and its breaking me. The main problem seems to be one so deeprooted its even in my astro-chart: I never have the resources I need.

I hate the shit around me. I hate where I live. I hate being poor and at people’s/the govts/poverty’s mercy. I hate that I am trying to do all of this Law of Attraction shit and it just is not working for the REAL problems in my life. I hate that this is my kids father and I feel like a single mother, I have no support with my kids and all this mthrfuckr does is make my life smaller. He makes everything worse. I hate that he’s my kids father and if I want something better than this, I have to deal with another man. I wanted all my kids to have the same father.

I fell head over heels in love right out the gate with a total stranger and the circumstances are just causing me to question myself. Hard. The one thing I got from him that I won’t forget it to cut out the negative self-talk. I will.

I wish so bad that he could have been my kids father, that I had turned a different corner.  But who knows maybe now he’d be the one hating my guts and I’d be chatting online with Zero, falling head over asshole. Straight up asshole.

Kevin Trudeau said you’re not supposed to worry about the “how”, to let the Universe take care of  that. But, maybe because of my Moon in Aries, I feel like  I am going to explode from the frustration. I hate always having to settle for CRAP, while I see the rest of the world living!!! I hate that its a good reason why I can’t ever just have some straight up good shit without an asterisk. I am so tired of bad shit. I just feel tired period.

A Report Card or…My Brother Comes to Visit

I feel so embarrassed I just want to hide my face.

Yesterday my brother came over here and gave me a talking to about wilding the fuck out on Saturday.Uggghhh. I am so embarrassed I just want to pull some covers over my head. He told me how police could’ve shot me if they’d seen me with that knife, all I did was make myself block fodder, I wilded out in front of billions (the block is billions).  Then he told me I have to speed up the process of getting back to Mecca, now. Directly, ASAP as in don’t leave the house again or show my face before I do. He told me I have to go on a personal hajj and to worry about saving myself before I try to save anybody else.

My kids father always makes me feel dumb in general but right now I feel like a jerk. I feel like hiding my face from him. He is pissed off, big time. I hate fucking up. Hate it.

Kiss From The Universe

Alot has happened in a few days. Two days ago, this crackhead lizard looking crackhead that lives down the block came on the porch acting wild. Today my kids father was fighting him and his gang of teenagers came running up the block and I went and got a knife. I didn’t know all day why I did it, it was impulsive and reactionary. I thought they was running up trying to jump him.

I was thinking about it all day like what if by doing that and NOT letting Mike get beat up (because everybody started focusing on me with the knife, I fucked up a  chance to resolve that shit for once and for all. Ive been thinking about that in an endles loop all day. Then I read this:

It’s strange how often, in our struggle to do the right thing, we end up doing the wrong thing. We wrestle with moral dilemmas till we feel sure we have considered issues from all angles. Then, after time has passed, we see it all from one more crucial perspective and feel slightly foolish. Even the powerful Transit of Venus hasn’t been miraculous enough to ensure that you never go through that again. It will though, eventually allow you to put the other side of that coin to tremendously valuable use. Every so often in life, due to various pressures or apparent problems, we do what we think is the wrong thing, only to discover that it has turned out to be absolutely right in more ways than we could have ever dreamed. A recent apparent ‘mistake’ has effectively been an action of sheer genius. When you realise this, don’t just count yourself lucky. Count yourself entitled to relax.
Then start taking life a little easier and a little less seriously. For there’s a lot of love, a lot of reassurance, a lot of support and a lot of prosperity on its way to you now. And to help it all make its way into your world, all you have to do is be a lot less rigid, responsible and ‘grown up’ and a lot more mischievous, impulsive and childlike!

We’ll see…

What is a Kiss From the Universe?:

A Kiss from the Universe
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 4:41am

The Little Things

Since last night, I have been crying and crying. You can’t even imagine how weak and stupid and dumb and pathetic and simple I feel that I am once again crying over Baby Daddy shit.

Two or three weeks ago, my kids father came home and stayed the week. We had fun, shit felt like old times and just good, like I started getting caught up in the pipe dreams, feeling like things were going back to how they were. Then he left on a Friday and didn’t come home that night, the next night and then around 1am that Saturday turning to Sunday, text me that he was going to a studio. Since then, I have just shut down and retreated from that motherfuckr because THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

I am not going to make it easy for a motherfuckr to do what he’s trying to do. He wants everything to be good here, like he can come thru, eat, fuck, play games and then go do him, feeling good inside because he’s got the home shit under control and he can be the man in the streets. I’m not going to help nobody play me because I never wanted a motherfucker coming thru, fucking me and taking my shit and going to do him. I never wanted to be nobody’s baby mama.

I wish it was a way out of this. I just want this to be OVER so bad. I wish all of this away, for something to happen where this whole situation is GONE. I hate the way I’m feeling right now. I’m lonely, I don’t have help with my kids and I don’t know where this is headed, where I am going to end up or what is going to happen.

I keep feeling that he has some woman pregnant too. I wish that bitch a living hell. I wish her misery, heartache, poverty, sadness, death and sorrow. I hope he turns her life into a giant piece of shit and when her baby isn’t a carbon copy of him, I hope he treats her kid the same way he treats my oldest son. I wish that bitch an ocean of tears and never ending drama, confusion and betrayal. Neverending, till the day she dies. And if she ever tries to bring that baby around, I’m ragging her fucking ass on sight. If I’m not there when he does it, my big daughter better handle it for me like I would for her.

I tried to say, I’m doing this so my kids can have their father in their life but goddamn. This dude keeps saying funky shit to my kids, he treats them like an afterthought, he doesnt help, he’s too distracted to guide them, listen when they’re talking or even realize nobody wants to hear about how good he can fight and nobody can beat him ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Nonstop. He’s determined to do dumb shit now so later he can be like “I didn’t know, I was going thru this at that time and thats why things came out all fucked up but you know I’m a great guy.” like then everyone will be like awww, our daddy so crazy.

My kids have as high a standard for other people as they do  for themselves. Nobody is trying to hear that shit. One day he’s going to get a real rude awakening and as soon as I see it coming, I’m going to leave the room.

For myself, I’m getting some pills to numb all this. I can’t handle the heartbreak of such a long relationship ending. Its like when I came here and never saw my grandaunt again and I never saw my people again. My fantasy is that one day this nigga  slips up and confirms my suspicion that he’s a body double for my husband, who was really thrown into Guantanamo by  the forces of evil in 2004 when I didn’t hear from him from April 22nd to June 2nd. Thats when they got him, threw a garbage bag over his head and disappeared him.  He’s fighting for his life, staying strong, not breaking under any torture, wondering everyday what we think happened to him, not knowing they sent Zero here in his place.  My fantasy is that one day Zero slips up and I catch him out there. I wouldn’t even ask no questions after that. I would knife that motherfucker down. There’d be some white pawr! jumping off in here cause I would hack him down into the basement. I would stab his ass till I couldn’t move my hand or broke one of the crossbeams in the ceiling and we went crashing down into the basement. And even then somebody would have to get me off him.

I can’t deal with the failure of my family. To hold shit together, I have to raise my kids by myself, do everything and act friendly with this nigga while he does him, and I can’t do it. I still have my vision for us. The family compound, businesses and all my grandkids and greatgrankids and great great grandkids.  I dream of there one day being so many of us that as I look out over them, I see the Tree of Life.

I picture my heart  glowing like the sun when I look into all the new faces and their old eyes. Thats for us. I don’t see anything for him because I can’t see anything changing or ever trusting him again or any peace. I don’t want to envision being 80 years old with a broken heart. I don’t want this confusion in my life AT ALL, now, let alone in the prime of my life. I just want this to be over. I don’t even tell him when the kids fuck up or do dumb shit because I don’t want him to throw it back in our faces. Him having the keys to our house is like the cops being able to come in here at any time.

I can’t deal with how powerless I feel. I feel like I am just powerless against all the shit in my life I hate.

Sinking Into Depression

I feel like shit. I’ve been feeling that way for three days now, culminating in drinking a bottle of vodka the day before yesterday. I woke up yesterday totally embarrassed trying to think back to everything I said and did. I told my kids father I feel anxious and he told me some dumb shit about not accepting things because they are “unconventional”. Fuck atta here, whatever that means.

I am sad because I feel like I am always going to be a failure. I haven’t accomplished anything and I don’t have the means of accomplishing anything. On top of that, I feel mad lonely, like Life hates me. I feel like there is no point to me being alive. Its like I’m here to suffer and learn hard lessons and serve a disproportionate “justice” for everything I am and everything I do.

I feel like I’m breaking all the way down mentally, like if I could find something to be high on all the time, I would just do that.

My mind isn’t at peace. I have so many things that are unresolved and broken to fix. And no emotional support. Don’t get me wrong. I have good friends that I am grateful to have but all of my friends have their own families, their own kids, their own empty pockets, half ass jobs, their own shit. Nobody is in a position to have me lean on them or to reassure me that things will be okay for me when they don’t know for themselves even how their own shit will turn out. I can’t put it on them.

I don’t have anybody in my life where they feel what happens to me. This lady called it a twin soul when she wrote about it and at the time I didnt understand her but its true for me too. It doesn’t have to be a man, although I’d like it to be. I just want somebody connected to me like that. Its like if something happened to me, everybody would have a reaction and I know a whole bunch of people would be sad but other than my kids, I’d just be a girl that they knew who died.

When my brother told me to start this blog and find my way back, I had a whole bunch of preconceived notions of what things would look like at the end. I imagined it to look very much like the past but I don’t want to go back to the past. I want a new life.

I want my own house that I designed.

I want a successful business.

I want to travel and go places and see some of what I only read about to make them real.

I want a string of good things to happen to even out the bad all the time so its not like I’m cursed.

I want good friends again, like Regine and Edna and Nickita and Tanya McCreary and ALL of the real friends that I had when I was little.

I am overwhelmed by the losses back to back to back and the rejection all the time.

This Is Your Brain On Sex

I woke up this morning feeling way better than I did when I went to bed last night. Last night I felt shitty because of hoodrats hating on me. This morning I feel great because the sun is shining, my energy levels are high and I envision a preeeeetttty perfect day ahead of me. I am going jogging in Prospect Park, then hitting up this little spot over there and just enjoying the vibe, then finding a Mango Tango smoothie and drinking that as I walk a mile or so the bus stop. I’m taking the bus home, to people watch these Brooklyn streets. When I get home, I’m cooking some supremely good shit and then kicking it with my kids until I go to bed.

I don’t know if I will be drinking and smoking today. (More about that later, in a later post.)

Anyway, yesterday night we were exploring different aspects re: macks and players. I was going to launch my follow-up post to that ( “Dick Rationing and… Other Plusses That At First Seem Like Minuses” ) but before I can do that I feel I have to lay a foundation so I’m leading off instead with… “This is Your Brain on Sex.”

I’m not going to go into the man’s side of it because well, I’m not a man… and between Maxim, FHM, Men’s Health Plus (and et cetera ad nauseum), you can read stupid theories about why men trip off so hard off sex the whole day long if you want to.

But ladies, let’s talk about why we do.  ‘Cause really this post should be titled “This is Your Brain on Dick.”

I’ll do all the talking for now. You speak your piece in the comments section…


When a woman is in the presence of an oxytocin-stimulating man, she may override her intellectual judgment about their “compatibility,” especially when she attempts to diminish oxytocin’s impact with alcohol.

Where formerly she might be sexually conservative, requiring a serious commitment, she now finds herself deeply involved sexually before negotiating boundaries, such as his (or her) current marital status, criminal background, and financial accountability.

Her brain may disqualify him,
while her body says “yes.”

The problem with oxytocin-based addictive bonding to an inappropriate man is that the intellect is relegated to a secondary status in choice and judgment. The good counsel of parents, friends, religious leaders and psychotherapists is of no benefit. Addiction to oxytocin as a pleasure takes over.

Oxytocin is a peptide (you’re on the internet, google it) “secreted from the pituitary gland’s posterior lobe from which it goes to receptor sites in the brain and throughout the reproductive tract, especially where estrogen resides.”  Oxytocin is serious. It plays a significant role in our  instinct to love and form social bonds. Oxytocin is so integral to emotional health that without healthy levels of it we start to exhibit neuroses.

Its important that oxytocin is released by the pituatary gland because the pituitary gland is a very special gland.

The sixth chakra is known as the 3rd eye. According to the yogis, the pituitary gland of the sixth chakra and the pineal gland of the seventh chakra must join essences to open the 3rd eye.

The master gland is about the size of a pea, located behind the center of our forehead, between our eyes. The sixth chakra is called the Brow Chakra. It is the main control center that sends messages to all the other glands from its two lobes, the posterior and the anterior. It prompts the proper growth of glands and organs and regulates sexual development.

This gland is called the “seat of the mind”. The frontal lobe regulates emotional thoughts like poetry and music. The anterior lobe regulates concrete thought and intellectual concepts.

-Beth Coleman, Opening The Third Eye

To me this connection to the chakras explains the spiritual component of oxytocin. Think about it. Love, trust, bonding and feeling comfortable are spriritual, not mental or physiological. Further,

In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.

Oxytocin secreted from the pituitary gland cannot re-enter the brain because of the blood-brain barrier. Instead, the behavioural effects of oxytocin are thought to reflect release from centrally-projecting oxytocin neurons, different from those that project to the pituitary gland. Oxytocin receptors are expressed by neurons in many parts of the brain and spinal cord, including the amygdala, ventromedial hypothalamus, septum and brainstem.

  • Sexual arousal. Oxytocin injected into the cerebrospinal fluid causes spontaneous erections in rats (Gimpl 2001), reflecting actions in the hypothalamus and spinal cord.
  • Bonding. In the Prairie Vole, oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males . In people, plasma concentrations of oxytocin have been reported to be higher amongst people who claim to be falling in love. Oxytocin has a role in social behaviours in many species, and so it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans. It has been suggested that deficiencies in oxytocin pathways in the brain might be a feature of autism.
  • Maternal behaviour. Sheep and rat females given oxytocin antagonists after giving birth do not exhibit typical maternal behaviour. By contrast, virgin sheep females show maternal behaviour towards foreign lambs upon cerebrospinal fluid infusion of oxytocin, which they would not do otherwise.
  • Various anti-stress functions. Oxytocin reduces blood pressure and cortisol levels, increasing tolerance to pain, and reducing anxiety. Oxytocin may play a role in encouraging “tend and befriend”, as opposed to “fight or flight”, behaviour, in response to stress.
  • Increasing trust and reducing fear. In a risky investment game, experimental subjects given nasally administered oxytocin displayed “the highest level of trust” twice as often as the control group. Subjects who were told that they were interacting with a computer showed no such reaction, leading to the conclusion that oxytocin was not merely affecting risk-aversion (Kosfeld 2005). Nasally-administered oxytocin has also been reported to reduce fear, possibly by inhibiting the amygdala (which is thought to be responsible for fear responses). (Kirsch 2005)
  • According to some studies in animals, oxytocin inhibits the development of tolerance to various addictive drugs (opiates, cocaine, alcohol) and reduces withdrawal symptoms. (Kovacs 1998)
  • Certain learning and memory functions are impaired by centrally-administered oxytocin. (Gimpl 2001)

Like I said before, Oxytocin is serious. When a man triggers it in you, and this is something that happens chemically, unconsciously and naturally, he triggers something in you spiritually too. You form a bond with him that relaxes your normal protective mechanisms… you trust him, without good healthy fear… subvert your natural fight or flight response to provocations in favor of a “tend (give) and befriend” one … and then when you get your heart broken, oxytocin numbs the pain and fucks up your learning and memory functions so you don’t learn from mistakes or remember stuff you should be keeping in mind.  Oxytocin is the story of most bitches’ lives.

The magnetic attraction that first draws you to him, once activated by orgasm is the end for a lot of women.  A dickmatized woman will tear her life to shreds with her bare hands, eat it and then throw herself off a cliff over that dude. We’ve all seen it.

And we’ve all just shook our heads and breathed a biiiiiiiggggggggggg sigh of relief that this time, by the grace of god, it wasnt us… driving nine hundred miles with a diaper on to go holla at  Side Shorty.

Ala Lisa Marie Nowak, that poor woman canonized the patron saint of Every Bitch Dick Made Crazy.

Lisa Marie Nowak (née Caputo) (born May 10, 1963) is a United States naval officer and a former NASA astronaut. Born in Washington, DC, she was selected by NASA in 1996 and qualified as a mission specialist in robotics. Nowak flew aboard Space Shuttle Discovery during mission STS-121 in July 2006 where she was responsible for operating the robotic arms of the shuttle and the International Space Station.Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn’t have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said.

Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, she waited for Shipman’s plane to land and then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Shipman took to get to her car, police said. Shipman told police she noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors, according to the arrest affidavit.

Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying, the statement said. Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman’s car, the affidavit said. Shipman drove to the parking lot booth and police were called.

An officer reported following Nowak and watching her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Oefelein and Shipman, who worked at Patrick Air Force Base near the Kennedy Space Center, did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

According to NASA’s official biography, Nowak is a Naval Academy graduate who has a master’s degree in aeronautical engineering. She has a teenage son and younger twin girls.

Oefelein has two children and began his aviation career as a teenager flying floatplanes in Alaska, according to a NASA biography. He studied electrical engineering at Oregon State University and later earned a master’s degree in aviation systems at the University of Tennessee Space Institute. He has been an astronaut since 1998.

Lisa Nowak threw away a balla ass career, a beautiful family, her reputation and basically her entire life’s work over an oxytocin addiction to a man. A woman with the intelligence, self discipline and work ethic it takes to qualify as mission specialist in robotics for NASA hopped in the whup with a diaper on, and drove 900 miles straight without pause to execute what had to be the dumbest plan in the world, to kidnap another woman from an airport (ever heard of Homeland Security and cameras everywhere and especially at the airport recording video that will be looked at when the Side Shorty turned up missing? No??) while wearing an obvious and ridiculous disguise, over a man.

Damn, homie.

But can you really say you didn’t understand just a little bit though when you read that story in the news?

Oxytocin is serious.

Little Pills Poppin’, IQs Droppin’

I am wide up. It is like four thirty in the morning. I want to go to sleep, I’m tired, I feel the beginnings of one of those headaches you get when you break night and I’m worried because I took a Trazadone and I’m STILL up two hours later.

Tomorrow I’m going to kick it with my girl Vicky. Her shit is wrapped very, very, very loosely so she gets pills. In one of the dreams I have when I sleepwalk during the day, she told me before to make a shopping list of what I wanted and she’d get it for me. I want to try concerta. This is to lose weight of course because learn this about me, I will do anything to lose weight.

That being the case why haven’t I lost a pound through anything but exercise?
Because my body is evil and its trying to destroy me. Its like this: I see some must-have pills that promise you will be skinny in five days. I’m hype. I take that shit the first day, the second day, the third day. The fourth day, if I so much as think about some pills my heart starts beating mad hard till its painful, my right elbow aches and feels heavy and I swear I feel the ulcer forming on my kidney. My body is very self-protective.

The only pills that ever worked for me were some I got from my cousin Florence right after I had my 2nd son and I only took them for two weeks before shit hit the fan. Phen Fen was beautiful. Magic. Lovely. And awesome. I  used to take only the orange ones (at least I think they were orange), (the ones that had the magic and therefore had to be fucked with because nothing gold can stay). I’d take one and word to mother, forget to eat for days. They had to go and take that shit off the market?

The cold finally broke so I am going to start jogging again with the goal of building up to running. I was doing hip hop abs with Sean T until my wack ass tv and bogus ass dvd player connived up some shit. I think the cord connecting them was in on it too. And if  it wasn’t, it still knows what happened.

I love Hip Hop Abs. And Shawn T. I wish I knew that dude so bad. I would be at his house practicing dance routines with him all morning, then we would go shop and have lunch, then we’d go get ourselves pampered at a topnotch spa while we had a brief, very very brief conversation about our problems. The convo would go like this:

Me: “Damn so many men want me, I just don’t know who to chose.”

Him: “O M G bitch, did you just say that or did I just say that? Me too!”

Me: “I said that Shawn T, just now when I was talking and you weren’t.”

Him: “Uh uh Missthing, just cause you maaaaaaaaaaad beautiful and your voluptuous yet lean body is perfect and you stay Gucci down to the soles of your flip flops and you have a ranch in Albuquerque, a villa in Key West, a compound in Brooklyn, several succesful businesses, a charitable foundation that really helps people, a warm loving family and 59 grandkids and you drive a smoke gray custom fully kitted BMW 760Li and your astrology book is the best selling astrology book ever does not mean you don’t have to come correct. You know how I stay. ”

Me: “Everything you just said is soooo true! I don’t know why I keep spazzing on you. Shawn T, you’re my best friend.”

Him: “Bitch you is very crazy. Now, this next move is called the Fly Boy Skip. We gon’ take this jumrope…”
And that would be like our make-up sex. Everytime we have one of our little tiffs, he would teach me a new unreleased move from Hip Hop Abs Hardcore: Extreme Pelvic Burn (Is that catchy or what? Don’t use it or I’ll sue your ass.)

My middle daughter just came in here and got in the bed with me and the baby. She is lying diagonal across the bed and her feet are on me, which BLOWS. I’m about to put my two feet on her butt and push her to the other side of the bed. Everybody in this house sleeps like they’re giving God the glory. Everybody in this house except possibly the baby could take  up a whole king sized bed when they lay up.

I moved her over and the baby stretched out like a cat and took my place.