The Drinks and the Drugs

I want to blaze something so bad right now that I’m about to do some crazy shit. I was planning to take my time to post about this but I have reached the point where it needs discussing now.

After I broke up with my kids father, I went through some heavy shit emotionally and I broke a couple of times. By breaking I mean, I buckled and  I had to drink to cope with my life. I was getting tore up everyday. I took antidepressants. I tried cocaine. I was smoking cigarettes.  I cried and cried and cried.

What made me stop was not how unhealthy that shit is but the fact that getting fucked up everyday is hard on a bitch facially and I want to keep my smooth skin and innocent good looks. I have enough mileage because I have so many kids and the last thing I want is to see my face start looking like its sliding off.

I stopped drinking like all that but I am still an alcoholic. When I know I am going to drink, I feel so good and its like the highlight of my day, finally something to look forward to…

I drink out of boredom and I smoke to fall out. I don’t even enjoy weed like that. If I had access to drugs like MDMA and acid, I probably wouldn’t even smoke weed but since thats really all I know how to get, I fuck with that.

I don’t like wanting to smoke or drink. I hate how I feel right now because I don’t have any erb or money so I’m going to end up going to buy a loosie from the corner store.

I came home from my little spot today earlier than I wanted to because the band they let play was making an infernal racket with the volume turnt up to DEFEAT. I was in a shitty mood  and acted like a bitch to the kids and have been holed up in my room since I got home.

My Three Loves

I feel mad lonely today. Just lonely like all alone in this muhfucka.

I am feeling that gloom again because I want a man in my life so bad I am about to start doing crazy shit. Like cutting off all my hair, tatooing my face and piercing my lip. Not. But you know what I mean. I’m really feeling bad that I don’t have anybody to send me little love notes or to go to the movies with or to try and impress with the West Indian Skill. And I’m feeling even worse because its not just a man I want, its three.

I want a man I get money with. I’m tired of fucking up hundreds and thousands, I’m ready to blow millions now. I want to be a man’s vehicle to serious paper. Let me explain because I know  that sounds crazy. I’m not selling ass, pussy or giving head for money. Period. But I want management that can get a chick focused and amped to paper chase for. I can’t do it myself because my head be a million fcken places at once and the motivation won’t be there. It won’t be motivation, it’ll be desperation.  I know me and I know I could get gassed up into producing millions and billions. I get off on the praise more than the money and I would pay a man a million dollars for the rush of being a bitch that could put a million dollars in his hands.

I want a sweetheart. Somebody I’m really feeling and I fuck with everyday, no drama, no lies/games/bullshit, no baggage. A sweetheart I can jog in the park with and rollerskate with and  have fun with.  Definitely younger than me and no kids, no baby mother, no wife, no dumbness.

I want (of course) the Soulmate. Let me tell you about the Soulmate. The Soulmate is gorgeous, cut thee fuck up, 6’4″ 225-275lbs ideally, rock solid. He is deep, irreligious, passionate and magnetic and shit is just *beautiful* with him. The Soulmate teaches me and enlightens me. He maybe has kids that he has custody of but other than that, I don’t want the Soulmate to have shit. I don’t want the Soulmate to come into Us already made. I want to build it up with him. I want it to be so beautiful with him like even when shit is bad, it’s still all good. And I want this man to love me to death, like he could never again be without me and the bond between us is so strong, it can overcome anything. I want the Soulmate to be fucked up in the game when we meet. I’m not even with throwing stuff in people’s faces so it’s not for that. I just don’t want to come into anybody’s pre-made anything. I want to build him up mentally and physically and spiritually while he does the same for me. I want the Soulmate to be Aries, Taurus, or Scorpio. I want to have a baby or two with the soulmate but… not more than I want all my kids to have the same father…

I wish me luck because what an order, lol.

The Get Money Man is possibly in the works. He’s the dude that I wrote about in the last post. I just thought of an Alias for him too…Five Oh Five. 505, like the jeans lmao.

The Sweetheart is nowhere to be found. The men I am meeting dis-fucking-gust me. First of all, I am not attracted to men my age, which is dead wrong but it is what it is. Second of all, why would I want to sneak around and get half assed by somebody else’s cheating piece of shit husband? The fuck would I want a piece of relationship for? For that, couldn’t I just stay with my own kids father?

The only possibility is this Sag dude I  met the same day 505 hit me up. He needs an alias too so we’ll call him 3rd Sun. 3rd Sun looks mad good and he is beyond smart and aware on the spiritual plane. But, he is all wrong for me and I’m not attracted to him sexually at all. He is definitely going in the movie though, without a doubt.

My Gemini cheating loser “sweetheart” (whose alias is Bogus Balonius) is locked up. That’s a fun dude but again, all wrong and I am not fucking him ever which is a problem.  I could never, ever, never play myself like I’ma make him my man and he is definitely not athletic, lmao… so there would be nooooo jogging, rollerskating and eating healthy for us. I miss Bogus like crazy because he was funny as hell but dude is so full of shit, you wonder how his organs and bones fit in there. I wonder how long he got sent for. Bogus is definitely going in the movie.

The Soulmate is nowhere in sight. I don’t have a bead on that guy at all….. He’s probably locked up right now with Bogus Balonius… or in the trenches in his country…. or sticking shit up in the Gulf of Aden, on his Red Beard steez.

Keep Secrets, Play Games or…How to Be a Mack

Life is funny this way. I started to post today about no longer being in the dumps and why that was. (I gained Perspective.)

What’s the deal, readership?

(I stole that. Straight stole it from BossMack TopSoil, Top Mack Nigga. Go check him out…His shit is not a blog, its an Education.)

Today your Gurl got that old thing back, feeling the spark of life. I’m not crying and on top of not crying, I’m smiling because shit is good, mane. Why, you ask?

Perspective.

I got that perspective courtesy of  two dudes who blog.  The first is BossMack TopSoil who I shouted out at the top and the second is DailyPiff CEO.

As I’m writing the post, I went off on a tangent about my girl Empress and ended up doing  a whole other post about our friendship instead. By the time I finished writing that and I went to go put the tags on it, I came up with “Realness” and I thought about the other shit, the Not So Realness. And that added to my Perspective.

My original post was about the perspective I got from two homies whose blogs I read. The first one is DailyPiff CEO. MP3 put me on to him and he’s funnier than a lil bit so its one of the e-highlights of my day now. I like Piff for a few reasons. He’s got goood sense, he’s my homegirl’s people, he’s a regular nigga and you can feel him. Even though he’s hood, you could tell with a broadened horizon, he’d grow into a real life Rennaissance man. Be sure to check him out and help him do good numbers so his movement can prosper.  A few days ago tho, he wrote a piece about having sex with somebody after you find out the cheated on you. What stuck out to me about that is when he said, “You be thinking the shit is even but hell no… its NEVER even.”

This combined with the perspective I got from the second bloggerman, BossMack TopSoil, and his piece about relationship questions, specifically the question about a woman whose house you’re posted up in being fed up wit ya.  He said basically after you do a certain amount of shit, you can’t go back because there will now be “larceny” in a bitch’s heart towards you.

So combine the two. You find out the man cheats, (because don’t get it fucked up, he didn’t cheat, that nigga cheats), you try and make it extra good to show him how much better it is with you than with Huh. But…the pain sits in your heart, still and the shit festers and festers and festers until that’s all you feel. And, shit is not even.

Your pride wants you to have this fellow back in the throes of loving you. So you do the needful that will net you that.

Your ego can’t take the loss to Huh. Its not personal, its business. Its a grudge match, not bidwhist with other bitches. It is not checkers, chess or mah jong, its a dog fight.  So you do whatever you have to so that bitch remains a side bitch.

You can’t get over the past. The whole way shit gets fucked up feels like the scenes in the movies when the crew is about to overcome and instead…one starts smoking crack (New Jack City), does some dickhead shit for no reason (The Score), buries his face in a mound of cocaine (Scarface)…the shit just feels like why? Why we had to go out like this? You think of all the shit y’all went thru together and how sweet it would have been to rise victorious, smelling like a rose,  oh so fly afterall and the longing for someway, somehow still, a happy ending… fucks with you. So you hang on to the dreams you had for the future and you mindlessly keep living with the man knowing you gotta get there someday regardless.

But.

A future of what? And don’t forget, shit IS NOT even.

And this is where the the other part of the perspective I got from them comes in. For whatever reason, men have decided they are not going to be with one woman at a time. I’ll post another time about those possible reasons but for now, lets just accept that.

They are not going to be with one woman at a time. DailyPiff seems to be saying that he’ll have a main woman and shorties on the side. BossMack TopSoil has something called a BossBrizzle and a Team, consisting of a minor league and a Majors. The BossBrizzle is (unless this bitch cain’t read or it never occurred to her to google her man) okay with his having other women and the Teammates are okay with being the Team. OK. So far so good.

We’re going to excuse Piff right here because he acknowledges his cheating is cheating.

We’re going to turn the spotlight on BossMack TopSoil. Not to hate on dude, ’cause like I said, I like his blog and he has mastered a certain degree of success, and you can only respect that. He doesn’t acknowledge cheating. He also thinks of  relationships in terms of hiring and firing.

She said I’m no longer hired, she said that I am fired. Swag so stupid and this bitch straight dumped me.

-Gucci Mane, 2008

You get fired for displeasing the homie. Not pampering the swipe, not bringing “something” to the table, not presenting him with oblations, coming to house without asking, demanding he stop seeing other bitches and et cetera. (I already gave you his link so if you need a TopSoiltionary, make your mouse do what it do.)

When you get fired, you go kick rocks.

And then you disappear, to reappear again, as a Sour Bitch. You don’t have to get fired by BossMack TopSoil to be reborn as a Sour Bitch, you don’t even have to get fired (some Sour Bitches keep a man…like a pet usually) you just have to not Handle It Right.

And now we can excuse BossMack TopSoil and put the spotlight on Handling It Right.

We all know and agree on what a Sour Bitch is. They are rampant in public service jobs, jobs they take for the sole pupose of denying people benefits to which they are entitled, supervising their enslavement, authorizing tortue, co-signing that real live bullshit and of course, eating greasy food all day while they should be working. They are rampant in the hood, in some families and at every “Grown and Sexy”/ “All- White”/ “Single Ladies Free All Nite!” Affair.

We all know and agree on what a Sour Bitch is. And that we’d rather be dead than be one.

What we don’t know though is how do you Handle It Right so you don’t become one?

How do you handle the heartache, suspicion, hurt, betrayal, disrespect, rejection that sets in your heart when a man plays you so it doesn’t turn you Sour? And how do you do it again and again and again (because since dudes have decided they are not going to be with one woman, this is going to be a recurring problem) and again?

Tell me your thoughts on this Readership…

(Part II of Keep Secrets, Play Games or…How to Be a Mack coming soon. )