Big Dreams of Small Things

So…today, I have to get all of my shit out of this apt and into Puffs because the owner of the building is coming and he can’t see it here. Ok, but damn do I have alot of shit. Last week, I went and got the stuff from the old place and bought it here. Don’t get me wrong, I threw 90% of it out once we got here but its still alot. I need to find my place soon. I want to build my house, Universe.

Ok, done. I dont even want to talk about the eight hours it took. Its all good : ))).

I just did a tarot reading and I am so feeling this:

What Covers You


Briefly: The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life.

Full Meaning: This shows a grim reaper and a white rose at the same time. The Sun is setting in the background of the card, indicating the end of daylight hours. This is the card of endings, renewal and transformation of the highest order. The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life. Sometimes an unpleasant event shows us the way to a new path. This may seem traumatic at the time, but it is also saying that the old ways are no longer valid, or of value in your new life. It is time to cast aside whatever is hindering your progress in life and make a whole new start. Turn the leaf, sow new seeds, wear new clothes, change your appearance, move house, leave that boring job and get out there and dance. Life can end at any moment for any of us, so it is how wisely we spend our time here that really matters. You can still be serious about some aspects of your life, but leave plenty of room open for fun and for spontaneity. When we are on our death-bed, we will wish we had kicked up our heels more often, been more carefree, eaten more ice-cream, danced longer, sang out loud and showed others how much we love them. Don’t wait till then, do it now, while you are alive and still kicking.

What Crosses You

Seven of Wands

Briefly: You are now on your way to your destiny, to fulfil some mission that you know you have to do.

Full Meaning: This card has a picture of a strong man on it and he is wielding a long wand and in front of him are six other wands. Each of these wands has a few green leaves on it symbolising fertility. He is a man of courage and strength. He has strong hands that are put to practical use. If you are this man then you are now on your way to your destiny, to fulfil some mission that you know you have to do. You are capable and wise. You are reaping the harvest and bringing home the bacon so to speak. You are not afraid of challenge nor hard work. You set your goals high and you always attempt to achieve them, despite whatever difficulties may get in your way. If you are not this person, then this type of man is going to enter your life and make a lot of changes to it. He is only there to help and to guide you. He will not push you anywhere you don’t want to go, though will be available for advice and counselling where necessary. If you are a woman who has not yet had her first child, it is possible that a pregnancy is indicated by this card. The child may be conceived or born in winter. You will surmount all obstacles and achieve your dreams.

What Crowns You

Page of Swords

Briefly: Time to go out there and make your indelible mark on the world in your own unique way.

Full Meaning: This guy is ready for action and adventure. He is capable of acting quickly and confidently. Yet he is known to be somewhat aloof at times and may seem too young to tackle the tasks at hand. He is brave and sometimes foolishly confident. He learns well though by his mistakes, because he usually makes them while he is young.
He is often very good looking, crystal clear blue eyes, though sometimes has pure black eyes. His skin is smooth and clean shaven. He has a boyish look to his face, even when in his late twenties or early thirties. He has innocent charm and can make the girls swoon around him, yet hardly noticing that he has this affect on them. He has the wanderlust in him and will want to travel at a young age. He can hardly wait to get out there in the world and explore what life has to offer.
If this card is the querent’s card, it could be signalling the time to go out there and make your indelible mark on the world in your own unique way with no apology to anyone.
If this card is not you, you could encounter someone like him who briefly walks through your life. Cherish this while it lasts, for it may or may not last very long. He wants to be on the move and no amount of clinging will keep him from getting out the door. Let him go and he will return when he is ready.

What Is Beneath You

Two of Wands

Briefly: Time to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man with part of his back to us and he is holding a staff in one hand and a globe of the world in the other and is looking out towards a distant mountain. He appears to be studious and in deep concentration. He may be seriously considering his future. He is tall and well built and wears a cloak for warmth.
This can suggest that you are about to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements. You may actually uproot yourself and move to another country, another state or another town. Your job is obviously undergoing some kind of transformation and you may be breaking new ground with some new endeavour. This will require your time, your patience and your strong belief in yourself that you can do anything you set out to do.
You could be presented with a rather unique opportunity that leads you on to pursue your wildest dreams. Or you may have developed your own vision or idea and be in the process of bringing this all to fruition by your very own hands. Don’t let others sidetrack you at this stage, for you are vulnerable to suggestion and may listen to some bad advice or discouragement. Trust in your own wisdom and you will ultimately have the last laugh.

What Is Behind You

Seven of Pentacles

Briefly: A bonus or raise is in the near future.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a fit young man leaning on a rake.  He is in a garden overflowing with healthy foliage, and in the background are mountains.  He is obviously a hard working man going about his business, yet with an eye to the future.  There are seven coins on the card depicting that he will gain financially from his efforts.  There could also be a bonus in the near future for him, as most of the coins are in front of him.  If this card represents yourself, you could be about to start a new job or earn an extra bonus in your pay packet.  Or perhaps someone may actually assist you by guiding you towards a lucrative financial investment. You may also distance yourself from where you now live to earn a new living.

What Is Before You

Ten of Wands

Briefly: Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man struggling with a heavy load. Remember the saying “can’t see the forest for the trees?” Perhaps you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. This may reflect some aspect of your life where you feel a little overwhelmed and unable to continue without a strong will and a determination not to fail. Your motives are of high standing and you only want what is best for everyone concerned. You will soon gain the feather in your cap and be able to move freely through life as if the coast is finally clear. Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation. Give yourself every effort to succeed and you surely will.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a beautiful woman wearing lovely clothes and a crown on her head, placed on top of lovely beaded headwear.   She holds in front of her a large pentacle and her hands are slim and well manicured.  She wears a special ring, which has a large oval stone set in it, which is possibly a ruby. There are mountains in the background, similar to those in Hawaii.  There is foliage around her and nuts growing on these. Generally she has blue eyes, though could have any eye colour.  If you are this person, you are on your way to fame and fortune.  You may come into a windfall, marry well, or somehow stumble upon a unique way to increase your income.  You will be well liked by your friends and loved by your family and husband.  You are serious, yet vulnerable.  You are calm, yet can be set back by those who stir conflict around you.  The comforts of life are important, more so for your own peace within your own mind knowing that you have what you need. If you are not this woman, then you will meet someone like her who supports you in many and varied ways.  If you are a female, this woman will become your most ardent fan and friend.  If you are a male, this woman may become your lover or your wife.  Cherish her, for she is loyal and affectionate and has your best interests at heart.

Your Self

Eight of Cups

Briefly: There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made.

Full Meaning: This card shows a person with a hooded cloak walking with a staff near an inlet that is surrounded by tall cliffs. You cannot see the person’s face as they have their back to you. In the background is a crescent Moon. It appears to be either early morning or early evening. There are eight cups in the foreground. This is symbolic of being in a reflective state of mind. There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made. If you draw this card you either live in a setting like this or it is not far from your home. Or perhaps you are considering moving to a seaside resort area at some point in the not too distant future. This can be a time when you choose a different course of action that puts you where you are destined to be. It is also time to consider bringing in some newness into your life and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.

Around You

Nine of Cups

Briefly: Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a content and happy man wearing colorful clothing and a large hat with a feather in it. Behind him are the nine cups and this is often called the wish card. Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease. There is a sense of satisfaction and happiness with one’s place in life. Often material gains are unfolding towards you and you will enjoy general good health and a more safe and secure lifestyle. Many celebrations and social gatherings are likely to occur in the near future and you may also attend some special dress up type parties such as fancy dress parties.

Hopes and Fears

Two of Swords

Briefly: There are decisions to be made.

Full Meaning: To draw this card shows that there are decisions to be made. However all the facts may not be in at this point in time. There could be something about to crop up that you are not aware of and it may come to light later. Often something is not seen in the clear light of day or there is an unknown factor involved. Time is often of the essence and it is usually worth waiting it out for awhile to see what may arise to clarify the issue. Making a decision with all the facts is much easier than with only half the information.
Sometimes this card can indicate a problem with the eyes. Maybe an operation will be required, an injury may occur, or glasses need to be prescribed, or new glasses or some other matter involving the eyesight.
If this card is not you, or is unlikely to represent any situation directly involving you, then it is possible that it may relate to someone close to you. They may need your insight, or wisdom to help them sort out a dilemma they are in. There may be a situation where someone has to choose between two differing options and is not sure which is the most appropriate one to select.


Queen of Pentacles

Briefly: You are on your way to fame and fortune.

Queen of Pentacles – Tarot Card Description

Queen of Pentacles – Tarot Card Meanings

Good Fortune. You need to protect your good fortune and that of those you care about. Parties that provide you with social connections can greatly benefit you. Patronise the arts and enjoy your riches as best as you can. It will pay off.

With Queens, the emphasis is on your inner state. The Queen of Pentacles is not a real, many-sided person, but she does express an ideal of a certain type. In readings, she asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Are you feeling warm and caring toward others? Are you being sensible? Have you been true to your word? Do you feel generous? Can you be counted on when times are tough? This Queen can also represent a man or woman who is like her, or an atmosphere of warmth, trust and security. In a reading, she tells you that her special energy has meaning for you at this time. Let yourself be inspired by this Queen in whatever form she appears in your life.

The Queen of Pentacles expresses practical energy. She is the original Earth Mother. She’s the one with the rows of home-canned goods on the shelf in the root cellar. She is able to work a full-time job, take care of the children, keep the house clean, and still have time to read the financial section of the Wall Street Journal. She probably has a little nest egg tucked away in a few bank accounts that no one knows about. Her style of mothering is practical. The punishment always fits the crime. Colour on the wall? Here, take this wash cloth and clean it up. All done? Good. It’s forgotten. You will be responsible for your own actions, and she will make sure of it.

Physical description – dark haired woman. Large, strong constitution, cheerful. The ultimate mother. Personality traits – she is secure, wealthy, enjoys luxury, and abundance. Generous and sincere, but lacking sparkle. Matronly. Good head for business. Sometimes moody, generally very caring.

Pragmatic, sensuous, generous, abundance, practical, astute businesswoman, secretive, financially adept, good mother, nurturer, reserved, wealth, protective of her territory, endurance, stability, spinning and weaving, full of potential, power of prophesy, second sight, common sense, deviation, ancient tradition of earth magic, physically fit, strength, hard working, pleasures of the body, caring for and pampering the body, enjoyment of luxury, dignity, grace, prosperity, steadfast, good organiser, prosperity, harmony, regality, devoted, affectionate, warm hearted, management skills, enjoying the fruits of labour, comfort, fertility, parenthood, love of all living creatures.

Community life, takes responsibility willingly, love of nature, happy giving material help in demanding situations, shrewdness, ownership, steady employment, steady progress, evolution, voluptuous woman, material goods, all the good things in life, benefactress, emotional maturity, provider, philanthropist, display of wealth, practical wisdom, creativity, crafts, Great Mother, actions speak louder than words, confidence, down to earth, loves fresh flowers and good food, both feet on the ground, nurturer, a team player, family woman, tactile, indulgences, gifts, forgiving, firm foundation, sensible, environmentalist, bestower of life and bounty, unconditional love.

The Queen of Pentacles depicts a solitary woman, much like the one appearing in the Nine of Pentacles. However, the Queen represents fruitfulness and satisfaction to a greater degree than that expressed in the nine. Here we have the Queen of sensual enjoyment, an earth mother similar to the Empress of the Major Arcana. She sits on a throne decorated with carvings of fruit trees, goats, angels, and other symbols of material success and sensual pleasure. The tree above her and the ground beneath her feet are rich with flowers and ripe plants of all sorts and she holds in her hand a single golden pentacle, which represents her material richness. At the very lower right-hand corner of the card a rabbit, the symbol of reproduction and fertility, darts out from behind some bushes.The Queen of pentacles represents prosperity and security. The security can be either financial or physical. There will be generosity demonstrated and you will find freedom associated with this security. Want to establish yourself TO yourself, to find your ‘centre’ or place where you belong, and for words (prophecies) or ideas to come to light. Keep following your star and you will get your wish. You may have to wait but what you want WILL come.

What I have on the agenda is to go see a house tomorrow with Mike the Realtor. I dont want to say how I’m dying hoping I like it because I am so scared I’ll jinx myself but then again I am wearing the sixth and seventh seals of Jupiter and So far its brought me very good luck, calm and everything going good.  I hope the house is perfect. I hope I love it and its the best thing  and all that we needed and we are blessed in all ways as we transact.


Everything’s Looking Pretty


So, I am not sure where to start. I keep saying I have to get caught up with posting and do a comprehensive post but the fact of the matter is I really don’t want to relive most of what has been happening. I want to stay feeling upbeat and plan for the future.

On Tuesday, I am going to get the rest of my stuff from the old house and from then, its done. I don’t want nothing else to do with that house or the people living there ever again. I want to leave them in the past and forgotten, to their justice and to rot and roil in their own iniquities. I wish everyone in that house the full weight of karma and their judgement. I wish them misery and sadness and violence and wickedness, the same that they put out into the Universe, Selah.

I ask the Universe for an impossible sum of money, the conventional way it couldnt be, but with all of the blessings of the Universe, its miniscule. I need a few million. At least three bt I don’t have any requirements besides that. I want to build my houses, Selah. To live in the house of the Lord.

Today I feel good. The owner of the house came thru and I kicked it with him and he will help me find a next spot soon. I just paid Puff teh rent so I don’t know how thats going to work out but I’m not worried about it.

I need that money though God. Its the Hour of Jupiter, Day of the Sun. I cast the Fourth Pentacle of Jupiter at this time:

The Sunshine After The Rain

Peace, dear journal. Today is astrologically significant for me – Saturn is moving into my first house.

Sunshine After The Rain

In light of this, I have come to a few realizations. The first is that I am a Writer, thats my proffession, my career.

The second is that the negative thinking that I thought protected me (If I think of the “worst, it won’t happen!), has really done nothing but hurt my life. I am good, I am blessed and working towards perfection. I get better every day and I can rise to any challenge. I am a winner. Can’t corrupt that vibe with loser thoughts.

Third, I need to meet like minded souls and people with the power to help me do more and be more.

I have been smoking weed for 14/15 years now. It hasn’t done anything but made me fat and lazy. No more smoking. Period.

My Reading today was super cool:

Card of the Day:

Nine of Cups

Smugness. No need to do another thing to obtain the fulfillment you desire, it’s here. Satisfaction. Comfort. Focus on a real and meaningful pusuit whether in the arts or love. Everything lined up and in its place. Time of fruition. Possible birth of child or project. Something that was missing has been found and put in order.

Recent Past

Strength Tarot Card

Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one’s disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one’s gifts as well as one’s weaknesses.

When Strength is in the past position of your reading, you can see the basis of your current situation stemming from a mastery of your circumstances. You maintained composure recently and are benefiting from your patience and expertise. Sometimes this card represents a state of boredom in your past that led you to stray from familiar conditions that you felt you had outgrown. Your ordinary world had been mastered and the journey you are now on is based on a desire to challenge yourself and see all that life may have to offer.

Strength really applies more to inner strength than actual physical strength. These inner qualities include love, patience and gentleness. But more importantly, this card refers to these qualities in the context that they are more important than material power, force or hate. So many people think of a show of a strength as who has the biggest army, the most weapons or in the case of one human to another, the strongest hands. Sometimes it takes more strength to offer a hand of friendship than that of war. In other words, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another meaning for this card is a possible reconciliation. If the subject is on the outs with a friend or even a lover, this card could represent that fences are about to be mended. Of course this will only be possible if you can conquer your negative emotions.

In still yet another meaning, this card shows that possible obstacles that you are facing are imagined rather than real and it is important to confront these obstacles and determine if they are indeed of substance or just something that you’ve conjured up in your own mind.

The Lion in this card is symbol of strength and courage. Often there is a woman shown on this tarot card and she represents the feminine side in everyone. This is suggestion of the more gentle and sensitive side taming the “inner beast” The woman is not killing the lion but is quietly mastering it. Strength as a Tarot card is symbol of discipline and inner determination.

Interpreting Strength in a Tarot Spread

Strength throws a protective influence over the person’s world. It provides them with the stamina and endurance needed to face up to life’s trials and tribulations. No matter what they are going through, they will be able to cope. Fate won’t throw anything their way that can’t be handled. They can overcome obstacles with courage and determination. When this card appears in someone’s spread, suggest that they might take a look around them. They will then start to notice people are there, willing to help and support them. All they have to do is ask. This card also draws attention to matters of communication such as telephone calls, letters and gossip. These could open new doors for them. It is possible that someone who was born between July 21 and August 21 will be an important part of their life at the moment.


The Chariot
Concentration on objectives is needed. Path is clear, do not get sidetracked by outside forces. Triumph. Vengeance. Overcoming of obstacles. Clearing of path to victory and one’s desires. Force of will. Strength in focus. No time for outside influences. Headstrong. Rush of energy in one’s favor now. Travel is possible. Swift nature in reaching one’s goals. Positive and quick result on the way. No time for delay in completing course of action. Strong will.

The Chariot

Are you in control? Did you just win big? Have you finally reached a new level of accomplishment? Are you being handed control of a big project? The Chariot is the Tarot card most associated with victory and control. When you see this card in a Tarot reading in times of struggle, understand that when Caesar conquered an opposing army, his victory parade made the years of struggle worth it. If you are not yet victorious, learn to appreciate your struggle, as the celebration you can have will be even more enjoyable with your challenges still fresh in your mind. If you recently accomplished a great task, be sure to revel in your enjoyment of the moment; there are no guarantees of future enjoyment, so soak up the feeling of pure triumph.
If The Chariot is in your reading’s present position, you are experiencing a great triumph at the moment. This might be something for which you have wanted for months or years. It might be something that was just handed to you and now you are feeling insecure about being in control. There are often mixed feelings that come with getting what you wanted, as an unease about the change inherent in this transformation makes one lose touch with seeing the possibilities.

Everything I Ever Needed To Learn About Life I Learned On Facebook

Ok, I dont even know where to start so I will just list things.

The 7 that welcomed me onto facebook was known to me as Wayne, bt he got knowledge of self and was reborn as Rahborn. He made me feel so welcome. And he told me that he’d fucked Allison and they used to swing something whenever he came up to NY making runs. Then I was talking to this Israelite who is of course wacky (prerequisite to being a HI) and Aq, who used to try and talk to me when we were in HS and was mad cool. Now he’s a family man and cool as hell, laid back and happy.

Then my friend Ruby tapped into the highest plane of metta. She manifested the Green Tara on me. Ruby is my Cap sister for real and she has the Gifts of the Spirit thing. That was the support that I never expected that the Universe promised me.

Then I wrote how much I loved Dr. Bronners soap and how if anybody wanted to give me a gift they should give me some. Guess what my kids father gave  me yesterday?

Then today, the One, that I was asking for when I first started my blog…Yeah, I met Him.

I’m going to come back and update this post (OF COURSE) cause this is my life now bt I just had to thank the Universe.

Biggin’ Up My AstroTwins: Sade Adu and Super Mario 357

Last week,  I met myself and I was a dude.

There’s this dude (whose uncle lives in the basement) whom I’ve known in passing for a while now. The first thing about him is he has shoulders like a Frigidaire and a build like a defensive lineman. Son is like 6’4, 250 and his fingers are mad thick and long like hotdogs. He radiates diesel. This young girl across the street liked him so we’d introduced them, telling her what to do to build a relationship with him because in addition to the Bod, he’s also a good catch. Nice energy, nice ways, nice job and a nice personality. If she had played her cards right, she could’ve had a nice little something.

But instead she got on some hot and horny shit and fucked him. And him being a Capricorn, that was that. I knew for a while, from casual conversation he was a Capricorn but it wasn’t until I talked to him last Monday that I found out his whole DOB and did his chart.

He  is (damn near) my AstroTwin.  Sun in Capricorn, Moon in Aries, Venus in Aquarius. That was crazy to me! I was like Oh shit, no wonder.  He just came out of a nine year long relationship with a girl who got the axe for being ungrateful. Check. When they were together, he just wanted it to grow and develop. Check. He’s lonely and he misses her but neither one of them are changing so its not a go. Check. He said, the next chick that bags me has to understand I do the things I do to make you smile, not to spoil you. Check. The most attractive thing about him is he looks good and he knows it but he is not led around by his dick. He never cheated on homegirl. (You lost big sistren. Verrry verrry big…Good luck finding a next man to buy you red bottom shoes and bring his ass home every night, lol.  Really tho…)

I feel mad love for him like I wish this dude the very best of everything in life…love, peace and happiness.

Onward and upward, somehow, I happened upon Sade’s astrochart.

I, like everybody else, love Sade. Not just her music but her whole vibe. My favorite song of hers is Maureen, about her homegirl from back in the days.

I also love Let’s Not Play The Game. (which now that I try to post the video, I don’t think was ever her single, like maybe she did a remix…cause I downloaded it off Limewire but the only artist that comes up on youtube is Maxwell.)

This chic is so together, so awesome and cool and laid back. On style alone, she’s all of that, real talk. And I don’t even say “real talk”… or “all of that”.  And like everybody else, I don’t know ANYTHING about her. I didn’t know if she’s younger or older than me, who her man is, if she has kids, nothing. Until I saw her chart and I had to find out….  (or better yet confirm, because once I saw the similarities I  knew the answers at once…None of my fucking business!!!).

She’s my astrotwin, for real for real: Sun in Capricorn, Moon in Aries, Mercury in Capricorn, Venus in Aquarius and Mars in Taurus!!!

Not only is Sade great, stylish and iconic, she is one of the best people who ever lived. She has to be and I found an interview with her and dead serious, we are just alike so she must be:

Sade is so very private, so extremely wary of the press that her friends – all of whom are bound to silence – have nicknamed her Howie, after Howard Hughes. The most reclusive British singer of the 1980s has kept such a low profile since her Smooth Operator days – one tour in 14 years – that, when we meet at the London office of her record label to hear the songs from her new album, Soldier of Love, I am the only person in the room who has met her before.

That is more telling about the accuracy of Greecian based astrology— which would have you believe that as a meanie-ass, workaholic Capricorn she’d live in the workplace or in her case, record label — than anything else but anyway…

She is the most successful solo female artist Britain has ever produced: she has sold more than 50m albums in a career that stretches back 27 years. And more than half of those albums were sold from the mid-1990s onwards, when Sade all but disappeared from view. Since then, she has only surfaced a few times — and this is the only face-to-face interview she will consent to now.

Paradoxically, in person she is open, friendly and relaxed – she’s happy to let me into her spacious Georgian house in leafy north London – and willing to laugh at herself.

A home she loves and hates to leave and I’m sure was her pet and her project and her baby. I assure you, this home is solid brick or stone, huge but comfy and luxurious and worn. He house is addictive and sleepy and cozy.

She has never lived down the image of her sashaying around in a designer frock singing Smooth Operator. But like so much of the little that is known – or believed – about Sade Adu, that’s not right… In her mind Sade is, and always has been, a country girl at heart.

Sade is keen on “loyalty to the point of clannishness”, according to one longtime friend.

Their earnings from recording and live work have always been an even four-way split. There have been arguments over the years – “because my naffometer is much more sensitive than theirs”, she claims – but no break-ups or new members.

“I always said that if I could just find a guy who could chop wood and had a nice smile it didn’t bother me if he was an aristocrat or a thug as long as he was a good guy.”

I feel like I’ve won the lottery, finally.

“I’m not someone who needs a lot of money. You could break into this house and leave after half an hour without finding anything worth stealing,” says Sade, and it’s hard to disagree. The first-floor drawing room of her London house is a large but sparsely furnished space with a couple of white fabric-covered sofas, a polished-wood floor and nothing much on the walls. For the past hour we’ve been sitting on a red rug in front of a one-bar electric fire that must be about as old as she is. She has several of these obsolete burners, she says. “They’re my favourite.”

Frugality – another traditional country habit – is her style, but she’s generous with it. As soon as the royalties rocked up, she helped her mother buy a house in Clacton, bought her brother Banji a place in the States, and supported various unnamed friends in “business ventures”. Her touring musicians comment on how fair she has been in awarding valuable songwriting credits for their contributions — a rare thing in the tightfisted world of pop accountancy.

She has done this on the strict understanding that none of the beneficiaries talk about it, “or ever write anything about me”, which they haven’t. It’s not just a personal-privacy thing, or control freakery, she claims, “I just don’t like the power relationship it implies”.

“I always wanted to have money.  But the great thing is when you’ve got it, your life doesn’t revolve around money any more.”

Please let that be true. And let me find out for myself very, very, very soon Universe ; ))).

Outside on the drive is her boxy old Volvo estate, which she traded for her vintage BMW

My two favorite cars!!! My last car was a Volvo 940 and my next car is a BMW 750 or 760 or old school 740. What a coincidence!

With her sensible country head on, she realises how fortunate she is. She has sorted out her home life, earned all the money she will ever need, and continues to make music in her own time and in her own way. “Is it still worth it? I think it is. After every album, I think, ‘Right that’s it, no more.’ But how lucky am I at my age still to be doing this without any outside pressure?”

This is the point I want to reach in my own life. I want to feel like this, too. I am so happy that me and Sade are astro-twins!!!

Capricorn Woman, Cancer Men…The Saga

There are three Cancer Men in my life and all three of them are kicking my ass emotionally right now.

The first is my little big brother. My little big brother was born when I was six. The events happened back to back: I came to this country, went to sleep a few nights and woke up one morning to him being here. I knew about pregnant women and that my mother was pregnant when I saw her again the first time but my little brother’s birth was like I made a wish and got it. I was miserable when I came here. My little sister was jealous (she was 3, she couldn’t help it) and the first things she did were in that vein, scratching me, snatching my chain off, running between me and her mother. It was so dirty here and I missed the two dozen people that made up my daily life till that point badly. So when I suddenly had a baby here just like the babies I had back at home, I was happy as hell.

I loved my little big brother. He was born with a big ass head and a face like a pie. He had some kind of autism or retardation and they used to talk about him in terms of how fucked up he’d be because of his condition. I felt mad protective towards him. He was one of those people that couldn’t conceive of grimey shit, like he was innocent and sweet and so grateful for any little thing you did for him. I used to kiss my little brother up like a million times a day and play with him all day, carrying him around like a doll. I remember getting a beating when he ate mud. I made mud cakes and this little boy ate them and was sitting there with a mouthful of mud and my mother lit my ass up. I remember another beating from playing with the hose until I sprayed a big ass patch of the grass up out of the lawn spraying him. My moms was never maternal, never kissy or huggy or sweet but I was, especially to him. I loved the shit out of my little brother and apparently the feeling was very, very, very mutual.

As time went on, I stayed close to him. I used to cook for him, read with him and teach him things from the Mathemagics book that we had. I don’t have one bad memory of him in my whole life. When he was little and he told me still to this day, his favorite food is my world famous spaghetti with hotdogs and ketchup. (It can’t be the taste, I think its the memories for him too). He doesn’t eat raw lunchmeat because I used to cook cold cuts and his favorite drink is sugar water lemonaide, my other gourmet specialty. My little big brother had that idiot savant thing where he can learn some things so well its like his memory is photographic but he’s otherwise not smart. He knows two plus three is five but he can’t learn life lessons. He had the entire MTA subway map memorized when he was four so he could tell you every stop that every train stopped at and all the connections. He never understood social cues or that people are fucked up inside or that bad stuff happens to good people. But because he was always with me, he used to play with all the other little kids and he learned to socialize. He learned to play sports and games but he never was the right age mentally. When my little big brother was like eleven, I left my mother’s the first time for good.

By then, my littlest brother, the second Cancer was born. My littlest brother was fucked up bad with autism. He was born when I was sixteen. My mother knew how I was with babies and she expected that I would be the same way with him as I had been with my little big brother but I was a teenager then and engrossed in my own shit. Engrossed. I took care of my littlest brother and when I was home he was always up under me but thats when I was home, which I tried to make as little of the time as possible. Hindsight being twenty/twenty I used to think my mother had my littlest brother to try and patch things up with her husband but she might have been thinking of me too, wishing that the baby being there would make me come back and be how I was. Life is crazy.

At any rate, I was too engrossed to understand. I didn’t even understand myself at that age.

I didn’t come home. I was too busy chasing another Cancer. My kid’s father. You know how people say they thought “the world” of somebody? I thought the Sun of that dude. I loved my kids’ father. Everything about him fascinated me and I remember when we first started living together, laying next to him looking at his face and playing with his eyelashes and touching his skin.

Not in a sexual way, but I remember doing that to all my Cancers. Even my daughter now. I remember doing that to all of them and telling them how much I loved them and that they were my sweety love baby or my benjiboom or my big big bigboy or with the kids father… my true and living god. Without really thinking of  what happened to those words when they left my mouth. I never really thought of how those words affected them or what impact I had on them.  I get caught up in my emotions, what people make me feel and my needs to where I don’t see myself as an active doer in relationships but that’s probable the case for everybody.

I’m not ready to talk about it yet but my little big brother just got married. I missed his wedding. Just like, I missed all the other important things in his life once I left home. My brother used to come wherever I was at and just sit with me the day but I never really thought about why he was there. I just figured he aint have nothing else to do, without thinking he’s a Cancer and maaaad emotional and he’s guided by those feelings. Whenever I cut my moms off, I never made other arrangements to stay in tune with him. Its like one minute this little boy had me not just in his corner but I liked him, understood him, loved him unconditionally thru and thru always and the next minute I just turned my back. But at the time,

I was about to go into a bunch of lies. Without meaning to lie. But the truth is that I just forgot about him. That makes me feel foul on par with my moms and her foul-ness. That’s Mummy caliber of hurting people. I just forgot about him, like if I thought about him I would smile but not go look for him. The same thing with my littlest brother.

He was four when I had my own son. The craziest thing I remember was that one time he had on an old hat that belonged to one of my friends from Tech when I came to the house. I asked him about it and he launched into a whole speech about the boy and he’d remembered EVERYTHING I’d told him like I was a living legend. He was wearing that hat like my jersey. When he was a baby, I used to talk mad slow to him but never in baby talk and I would drag out the explanations of everything down to the detail. I would say things like “Benji, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge, look in the door of the fridge and get a purple container that says Silk. Open it and put it on the table. Get a bowl. Get the cereal and pour it into the bowl, slowly so you don’t spill it. When you see the top of the cereal make a mountain, put the bowl on the table next to the Silk. Then pour some silk on the cereal until only the top of the mountain is showing.” for everything. He used to wild out when people gave him regular directions and he couldn’t follow and they’d hit him or call him names but I always had patience. He wasn’t supposed to be able to show affection because of the autism but I kissed and tickled and played with him so much that he was very affectionate. Sometimes inappropriately so. My little brother used to tickle my kids’ father which was super creepy. He knew Benji was autistic but he still used to react like how anybody would react if a little crazy kid just started tickling them.

That reminds me of another Cancer, born on the 4th of July, my friend’s son Rah. My friend was mean as a rattlesnake and she used to beat  her kids up bad. All day, she’d be smacking, punching, pulling hair, screaming in their faces, even kicking them. Rah was like four but he had no teeth because all his front teeth had gotten rotted out by the bottle. But he was the sweetest baby. I used to play with him all day and kiss him up and protect him. The daughter was too shellshocked to really be close to anybody but she used to like to hold my hand and sit next to me. Rah though was like he wanted to climb into my body like if he could squeeze himself into my belly he would’ve. One day my kid’s father came over there and he was like why is the young god looking at me like that?

Rah was ice grilling him, mad dogging  him, mad as fuck the whole day. As young as he was, the jealousy was very mannish like if he had any wins, he would’ve tried to kick my kids’ father’s ass. I would have had to choose that day, lol.  Again with the hindsight being twenty/twenty my kid’s father was teasing me like I was cheating with the little boy or something but that was probably not far from what Rah was thinking. He was hurt and mad when my kids’ father showed up. My little big brother wanted to play ball and make music because of my kid’s father and he’d sit there and listen to what he was doing for hours when he came to the crib. If I’d had the level of understanding I do now then, I would’ve told my kids father our history and to just take him under the wing because he was going through some abandonment shit. My littlest brother like I said, used to tickle him and come sit with him whenever he was there. I never thought about it though, really, in terms of what they were going through.

So much shit that I never thought about. My little big brother stayed mad short, kept the same size head and went into the military. I moved uptown and hardly ever saw my littlest brother after a while. When I would see him though, I would take him to do whatever  I could that was the most fun with him. If I had a car, I’d take them driving. If I had five dollars, we’d walk and get ice cream. He was another one that was supremely grateful for anything.

Its like if that lady from Helen Keller just quit her job and went to go work in an office.  Like if one Monday, helen keller was sitting there waiting for anne sullivan and this heifer had just bounced, got her a next job, a kid of her own or something and never came to check her.

Back to the three pronged assault though. I was talking to my little big brother and I told him that me and my kids father broke up and that I put him out. He goes so where did he go? I said I don’t know, to his brothers. The shit felt so heavy when he asked me like somebody just told me they put somebody old out in the cold with no money and no help. He asked me what about the kids. I told him they were okay and he didn’t say anything. Then he asked me if my kid’s father got a new wife. I said some angry shit and he goes thats so messed up for your family and then he asked me if my kid’s father was sick. I said no. And then I told him that he twice shit a toilet bowl full of blood. He went silent. I could hear him breathing but neither of us could talk.  He told me he’d known my kids father since he was little and he’d never thought about him getting old and dying.

I felt like running. Dead serious. All I could think was how can I get some money so I can move to Hawaii. If I had anywhere to go I would’ve dropped the phone and ran there.

My little brother told me he’s always going to love me but. I can’t handle that either.

Then my littlest brother wrote me a letter asking me to please take him somewhere for his bday with “my family”. That made me think of how I had built him up like he would always have me and then pushed him away till now he’s an outsider that has to be asking to tag along. And then the type of people that he is, he’s been thinking about that  for awhile, probably since the last time I spent time with him…three years ago.

My kid’s father (i can’t think of an alias yet) is the third prong. He makes me feel autistic and retarded. On the relationship level, he deserved to get put out on his fucken ass but emotionally, going back to our history and looking at the whole of everything, I can’t deal with how wicked I feel for turning my back on him and putting him out in the street after the way I built him up. I can’t deal with how I was looking at the blood in the toilet medically when any little thing  that happens in MY body, I relate to stress and emotional breakdown. When LE (my little big brother) took that shit so hard, I thought about when my kid’s father found out his brother had heart surgery. And he was fucked up, like this can’t be happening to my Olympian pet grizzly bear BIG brother. It was like this iconic legendary hero that was like superman since he was little is now kicked and bloody on the ground on front of him and there’s nothing he can do about it.  My kid’s father was the first dude that was good at everything, muscles bulging and ‘hood and smart and good at the video games he played with my little brothers. I never think about that. This is my brother’s superman. When I look at how my brothers started working out, making music, playing ball and even carrying themselves, that’s their model.

And I never thought about that.

So, where it is right now is since then, I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking.  other people and my impact on them. What we all need. what they need from me. It would be nothing for me to go find my little big brother, go meet his wife, hug him up and kick it with them and make everybody feel good. It would be nothing for me to tell my mother to start letting my littlest brother spend the weekends with me. It’s nothing for me to tell my kid’s father that I love him and always will. But what about maintaining that shit? With my kids father I look at it like he’s a grimey nigga that at any time could destroy me mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I have to keep him at arm’s length so he doesn’t end up having me smoking crack somewhere. I can’t trust him and what he wants to do is destructive to me.

Its not just the cheating, but everything that comes with it – the rejection, the lies, the competing with other bitches for some “thing” that’s supposed to be mine, not ever knowing exactly what is going on, the mindgames I can’t play because I am looking at it like this is my life… All I can do is crumble under that. He was here all week until Friday. Friday he left and spent the night somewhere and then Saturday I guess the same and then he went to some studio and now he is wherever he is. What can come from that? Like what is in it for me to pursue a relationship with a man so he can feel comfortable dividing his time between home and family and the shit that he really likes to do so he can rap about how he fucks alot? So with him, uggghhhh…

They say you have the same relationship with a cancer man as you do with your mother and that is the truth. Just like her, he didn’t want me when he had me and now he can’t come back. The day she killed it for me was the day she told me that a man she met on the street and started fucking with was her family and for me that came out of her body to stop messing with her family. The day this dude killed it for me was the day he told me he was confused. That had a harder impact then when he told me he never wanted these kids, I just kept getting pregnant. That was a doozie but the confused shit blew that away… Twenty years and five kids in and you is confused? WTF fuck kinda weak ass shit is that? He could have told me anything and it would have been better than saying that. If you confused then you not in control and I’m know I’m not in control so who the  is? Amanda Rollins or Ithiopia or SarahPNC?

I have reached the point where I don’t have to be fighting with him but I know he’s not my peoples.  I take the best part he has to offer that day and I don’t look for nothing else. Cause  he has NOTHING for me. The day is never going to come where I get back from him anything equal to what I put in or when I don’t feel like I need a drink to be okay with “us”. So the honest truth is that I wasn’t planning on maintaining anything with him because as soon as I could, my plan was to RUN. As soon as I met another man I fell in love with and my kids were in a situation where they could function independently that was going to be the last my kid’s father ever heard or saw of me, lol. Whatever had happened the day before be damned, I would drop his ass like a hot rock and make moves. We could have been in bed talking about the highest sciences and mathematics and how much we were the Sun and Earth and hours later, I would’ve met my real soulmate and boated.  And I felt like he deserved no more or less.

But my brothers don’t. I don’t want to make them feel good or show them that I love them today and then can’t maintain it. I need to find a way to bring them into my life, to stay. Otherwise I’m going to turn on the news one day and see my brother’s face on there (either one) talking about he’s the one thats been killing all those hookers.

I also need to stop feeling overwhelmed by feelings. But I feel overwhelmed, till the point of being crippled. I can’t think of emotions or feel a deep one without something happening in my chest or crying. They don’t get integrated into the experience and then I feel needy or like I’m missing something. Too often, I think of a person and then think of how I feel for them, as two separate things.

Help Me Universe. I’ll leave it at that. I was trying to think of a solution so I could leave things nice and tidy but thats not the reality. Just help me Universe.