The Slow Start of a Long Race

I like that title. Not for any reason other than its prosey-ness. Today I woke up and all I could think of was that block and how I can’t stomach the idea of leaving things the way they are. I know on the one hand that it was a set up and any reaction would have only caused problems for me but on the other when I think of those people, snarling and gloating, I want blood.

I haven’t gotten over it and I won’t. Not until its been set right.

I have been through a lot more turmoil since the last post, not much progress. I still haven’t found a job or a place bt I have taken more steps towards the Big ¬†Picture things. I have accepted that things with my kids father are OVER and it still hurts bt I’m not going to give it any power. I push thoughts of him to the side now.

I have stopped smoking and drinking. Period. As in, I vowed after the last time I drank that I would never smoke or drink again and I won’t. I drank some tequila and went somewhere very important to me and made a total asshole out of myself. When I think about that, the shame is just too much. I feel like I will never recover from that.

I have a few projects I am working on but the theme of this year is Transformation. I fasted with very little failure in February. It was great and I am going to do that every year. I started eating healthy bt I do relapse occasionally. I have a little over six months to get it together.

Emotionally, its still hard. I am super lonely. None of the men on my three man wishlist have showed up. I supplement real love with my fan club. I have fans now, dear journal. Three of ’em in fact. Two are out of the freaking question just on GP. The third is out of the freaking question because I am older and wiser and I don’t want to give “polygamy” a shot. He’s upfront about it which is supposed to be a good thing bt for me is just like “Whew! Thanks for the warning! See ya, twouldn’t want to be them!” Speaking of which…I’m going to start doing that to weed ’em out. I am going to start pretending I’m okay with the idea just to hear where they really stand and as soon ¬†I hear something I don’t like, I’m making tracks postehaste, lol.

I’m never going to find a man, smh…