Sinking Into Depression

I feel like shit. I’ve been feeling that way for three days now, culminating in drinking a bottle of vodka the day before yesterday. I woke up yesterday totally embarrassed trying to think back to everything I said and did. I told my kids father I feel anxious and he told me some dumb shit about not accepting things because they are “unconventional”. Fuck atta here, whatever that means.

I am sad because I feel like I am always going to be a failure. I haven’t accomplished anything and I don’t have the means of accomplishing anything. On top of that, I feel mad lonely, like Life hates me. I feel like there is no point to me being alive. Its like I’m here to suffer and learn hard lessons and serve a disproportionate “justice” for everything I am and everything I do.

I feel like I’m breaking all the way down mentally, like if I could find something to be high on all the time, I would just do that.

My mind isn’t at peace. I have so many things that are unresolved and broken to fix. And no emotional support. Don’t get me wrong. I have good friends that I am grateful to have but all of my friends have their own families, their own kids, their own empty pockets, half ass jobs, their own shit. Nobody is in a position to have me lean on them or to reassure me that things will be okay for me when they don’t know for themselves even how their own shit will turn out. I can’t put it on them.

I don’t have anybody in my life where they feel what happens to me. This lady called it a twin soul when she wrote about it and at the time I didnt understand her but its true for me too. It doesn’t have to be a man, although I’d like it to be. I just want somebody connected to me like that. Its like if something happened to me, everybody would have a reaction and I know a whole bunch of people would be sad but other than my kids, I’d just be a girl that they knew who died.

When my brother told me to start this blog and find my way back, I had a whole bunch of preconceived notions of what things would look like at the end. I imagined it to look very much like the past but I don’t want to go back to the past. I want a new life.

I want my own house that I designed.

I want a successful business.

I want to travel and go places and see some of what I only read about to make them real.

I want a string of good things to happen to even out the bad all the time so its not like I’m cursed.

I want good friends again, like Regine and Edna and Nickita and Tanya McCreary and ALL of the real friends that I had when I was little.

I am overwhelmed by the losses back to back to back and the rejection all the time.

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