Tears or The Baseline of Niceness

I cry all the time. I could be anywhere, anything could be going on, and I will burst into tears.

I cry all the time.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I know that I am sad. I know my whole chest, my head, behind my eyes, everything hurts but I don’t know why specifically I am crying.

I realized a long time ago that nothing is going to change about this. I went through all the stages of grief for Hope That Shit’d Change. No stages left and no progress either.

I know I cry sometimes for the future. I cry sometimes because I have to start all over again, from scratch. With nothing. But baggage.

I cry mostly because I feel so lonely. I wonder why God made me this way. I wonder why I have so many flaws, so many things wrong with me, so much I wish I could change. So much shit that I still don’t understand. So much shit I don’t even know. I cry because I know everybody is here for a purpose, to do or be something or someone only they could be. I cry when I think that my only purpose was to have the kids.

I cry because I always feel like I am missing a critical part, koolaid no sugar, hammer no nails, walkman no headphones, something…

I cry because its like the fullest life life I live will always be in my head.  That shit will always be like this and I will never really do or be anything, I’ll always be a failure.

I cry because noone loves me and I always have to understand why no one can be to me what I need them to be. I have to understand that my father is “in Canada”…my mother didn’t want to be lonely…they’re not used to me…its just something about the whole shit…we have problems…he’s confused…what did I expect. People have shit on me so bad in this life and its always the people I need. Why? I know…Moon conjunct Chiron in the seventh house, in Aries. But why God?

I have daughters and I tell them everyday through gritted teeth if I have to, how much I love them. Even when I don’t feel it, I know it, I know they need to know it so I say it. Why did I have to be born to a bitch that could never tell me once that she loved me? And why did I not love her?  Why didn’t I love my mother? My siblings? My family?

Why do I dislike so many people? Why do things that don’t bother anybody else bother the living shit out of me till I have to get away from them?

How come nobody likes me either? I have no friends, no loves, noone who gives a fuck if I live or die. Except for the kids and I can’t put that kind of weight on them.

I can’t put it on my father. I want to go see him but I don’t know. I don’t know where he is, how I would get there and I don’t want to go alone.

I can’t put it on my kids father because he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Two weeks ago he told me we were establishing a baseline of niceness with each other. I feel his baseline as a giant mindfuck. I feel it as one big fucken game that has no winners because nobody is playing for keeps, this is all for shits and giggles. I was the only asshole who took it seriously enough to have kids with him.

I cry because I feel like this miserable bitch with the weight of the world on my shoulders, like I’m dying. I pray to a God that I don’t believe in, I talk to a Universe that doesn’t ever respond.

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