Tears or The Baseline of Niceness

I cry all the time. I could be anywhere, anything could be going on, and I will burst into tears.

I cry all the time.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I know that I am sad. I know my whole chest, my head, behind my eyes, everything hurts but I don’t know why specifically I am crying.

I realized a long time ago that nothing is going to change about this. I went through all the stages of grief for Hope That Shit’d Change. No stages left and no progress either.

I know I cry sometimes for the future. I cry sometimes because I have to start all over again, from scratch. With nothing. But baggage.

I cry mostly because I feel so lonely. I wonder why God made me this way. I wonder why I have so many flaws, so many things wrong with me, so much I wish I could change. So much shit that I still don’t understand. So much shit I don’t even know. I cry because I know everybody is here for a purpose, to do or be something or someone only they could be. I cry when I think that my only purpose was to have the kids.

I cry because I always feel like I am missing a critical part, koolaid no sugar, hammer no nails, walkman no headphones, something…

I cry because its like the fullest life life I live will always be in my head.  That shit will always be like this and I will never really do or be anything, I’ll always be a failure.

I cry because noone loves me and I always have to understand why no one can be to me what I need them to be. I have to understand that my father is “in Canada”…my mother didn’t want to be lonely…they’re not used to me…its just something about the whole shit…we have problems…he’s confused…what did I expect. People have shit on me so bad in this life and its always the people I need. Why? I know…Moon conjunct Chiron in the seventh house, in Aries. But why God?

I have daughters and I tell them everyday through gritted teeth if I have to, how much I love them. Even when I don’t feel it, I know it, I know they need to know it so I say it. Why did I have to be born to a bitch that could never tell me once that she loved me? And why did I not love her?  Why didn’t I love my mother? My siblings? My family?

Why do I dislike so many people? Why do things that don’t bother anybody else bother the living shit out of me till I have to get away from them?

How come nobody likes me either? I have no friends, no loves, noone who gives a fuck if I live or die. Except for the kids and I can’t put that kind of weight on them.

I can’t put it on my father. I want to go see him but I don’t know. I don’t know where he is, how I would get there and I don’t want to go alone.

I can’t put it on my kids father because he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Two weeks ago he told me we were establishing a baseline of niceness with each other. I feel his baseline as a giant mindfuck. I feel it as one big fucken game that has no winners because nobody is playing for keeps, this is all for shits and giggles. I was the only asshole who took it seriously enough to have kids with him.

I cry because I feel like this miserable bitch with the weight of the world on my shoulders, like I’m dying. I pray to a God that I don’t believe in, I talk to a Universe that doesn’t ever respond.

Hello world!

First Post…What should I write about?

How about how this blog came about? I was talking to my brother and he told me he was worried about the shit thats been going on with me.

I started this blog to talk about it and now cat’s got my tongue.

At any rate, my brother told me to get back to my basics, find myself and get back to where I was when shit was good. He told me to Find My Way Back to Mecca.

What is Epinoia, btw?

Epinoia (Greek) Thinking on a thing; by extension of meaning, the power of thought, inventiveness; a purpose, design. In Gnosticism, a name of the first passive aeon or spiritual entity forming part of a cosmic hierarchy. See also ENNOIA